UnNews:Benny Hinn strongly opposes Obamacare
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Benny Hinn strongly opposes Obamacare
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 23, 2018, 03:27:UTC)(
29 June 2012
Vatican, D.C. -- Televangelist and Lamb of God Benny Hinn expressed a strong opposition to Obamacare this morning after the Supreme Court deemed the legislation to be somewhat constitutional. Speaking from the 24 carat gold balcony on the fourth floor of his mansion for an impromptu "Godly Intervention Event", Mr. Hinn expressed his views to an elated crowd of Christian Jihadists and journalists:
"This Bill sickens me to my core and I rebuke it. The very essence of it is the work of the Demon. Why are people paying to see a doctor in the first place? They should give the fruit of their labor to the Benny Hinn Ministry instead. The Lord came to me and gave me the power to conduct healings on his People. The Lord blessed me with the gift of removing sickness from his People. The Lord granted me the power to shove my hand in one's face, knocking him unconscious and removing his illness in the process! Just come to my Crusades and you'll see the Lord in action. There is no need for healthcare as long as I'm around! I want every news cameras in the attendance to focus on my eyes. Closer. Damn, It's been a while since I cut my nose hair. Anyway, that's what the Lord wanted. *Ahem* Now, Mr. Obama, I know you are listening to this program on your television set. The Lord knows. The Maker knows that you are seeing my eyes as 2 whirligigs right now and he speaks through me. He orders you to come to tonight's Crusade, in front of his People."
At this very moment, a press release came from the White House stating that Mr. Obama will be attending Hinn's Crusade. Informed by journalists of this stunning development, the televangelist looked solemnly at the audience and said:
"Good. Now while we're at it, I'll heal some television viewers through the powers invested in me. Put your hands on the TV screen, People of God, that will help. I see... I see a lady with an amputated leg... Lord, please help this poor soul... I can see the leg growing back instantly... The lady is jumping in the air. You're welcome. I see... I see a man is in pain... Excruciating pain... After an unfortunate accident, a huge cucumber is stuck in his [...]" The pastor continued performing miracles for an hour.
Later in the afternoon, the Man of God went on a shopping spree in order to look good for the presidential exorcism. "The Lord wouldn't want me to show up in some rags, you know" he said while getting out of his limo and heading to Versace. "God wants me to use the money His pupils are giving me in a wise manner. Excuse me, how much for this diamond threaded suit? 96 thousand dollars? Here is 100 thousand, keep the change my brother. Now let's get out of the store and walk to get some fresh, godly air... What do you want, woman? You have not eaten in 6 days and want a little money? *sigh* Take this 5 dollar bill and get out of my sight! As I was saying, [...]"
Then came the grand evening, Obama was among the faithfuls in the crowd. Pastor Benny had already healed 27 cancers patients, 14 AIDS sufferers and 8 Justin Bieber fans when the President was brought onstage. His eyes looked distant, as if dazed by all the madness that was going on all around the arena. "You came here to meet the Lord, and you have a sickness, Son. What Evil possessed you when you orchestrated Obamacare? Speak the name of thy illness before me and you shall be relieved of it for I will rebuke it!" said Hinn.
The silence was overwhelming. After what seemed like an eternity, Obama uttered: "I have been unable to put 2 sentences together without a teleprompter for some years now, Pastor Benny. I, I... When I announced Obamacare, I was only reading what some demons have been writing and put on the prompter. Heal me and I shall veto it!"
Hinn gazed at Obama, a satisfied grin on his face, then shouted abruptly: "Your illness shall be gone in the name of GEE-zus! I REBUKE IT!" The Man of God then punched the president right in the skull and security guards cushioned the fall. Upon exiting the arena, Obama pronounced a speech without a teleprompter nor stuttering! Here's a snippet:
"[...] and I repeal Obamacare and all associated bills. In fact, I not only repeal it, I rebuke it. I also wish to mention that I name Mr. Benny Hinn to be the head of the Department of Health. He will conduct exorcisms and healings on television everyday to heal the American people and will be a lot cheaper than an army of doctors. Thank you and God Bless America!"
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