Ben Stiller renews pact with Devil
Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out
Friday, September 4, 2015, 21:47:UTC)(
18 September 2007
HOLLYWOOD—Ben Stiller has renewed his pact with the Devil, a contract which allows Stiller to release yet another painfully unfunny motion picture and thus continue to perpetrate his reign of terror and boredom on movie audiences worldwide. The new movie, a remake of "The Heartbreak Kid," to be released October 4, is expected to be so excruciatingly awful that critics will hang themselves on lengths of film reel. Public health officials caution particularly sensitive reviewers to specify Do Not Resuscitate orders in their living wills, lest lack of legal clarity engenders a Schiavo-scale debate about the ethics of euthanizing vegetative critics.
"Benny continues to deliver the goods," said the Devil, chuckling affectionately. "He has this amazing, uncanny ability to sucker people into thinking he might actually be funny and entertaining. Nobody smashes that hope better than my boy, here."
Stiller's comedy pedigree, along with some brief displays of actual funniness earlier in his career in such movies as Flirting with Disaster, and...okay, maybe just that one movie...propelled him into an incredible string of cinematic stinkbombs including Mystery Men, Zoolander, Along Came Polly, and, most recently, A Night at the Museum. His shtick of frantic frustration long ago wore down to molecular thinness.
"With a track record like that, I just wouldn't be able to get work without the help of my good friend, Satan," commented Stiller, scratching idly at the pentagram etched in the flesh of his forehead. "I guess I feel a little bad about tricking people into thinking that I might be funny, but I got bills to pay like everyone else."
Stiller's new pact ensures that he will continue to make lousy movies for the remainder of the decade. At that time, he and equally atrocious comedian Will Ferrell will both need to renegotiate their deals.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|