UnNews:Belgium to remain in-hiding until further notice

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Belgium to remain in-hiding until further notice

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26 November 2015


"Europe’s de facto capital faces an unprecedented security lockdown this week after Belgian authorities imposed a slew of typically "safety-first" measures, by becoming victims before the event."

BRUSSELS, Belgium -- Brussels ministers have vowed not to bow down to terrorism, by bowing down before terrorism has a chance to occur. The city is to remain at its highest security alert state until further notice.

Since the devastating attacks in Paris, the Belgian State Security Service (known in Dutch as Staatsveiligheid or SA, French: Sûreté de l'État or SE) have decided the most effective way to fight an Islamic State is to become an Islamic State. For the past five days the city has been all but deserted, with markets closed and citizens instructed to cower in their homes. The streets of Brussels sprouts armed police, soldiers and armoured vehicles on what seems like every corner. Even Tintin has run for cover.

Schaarbeek mayor Bernard Clergayt told local television networks from his fortified basement that he was perplexed why IS would want to come to a place so rooted in long-standing ethnic, linguistic and socio-economic tensions between communities, as well as differing geographic and cultural continuity. And the weather is crap.

As of last Friday, over 1,000 military, civil and two or three uncivil gunmen now roam the city ready to execute anybody moving suspiciously, acting suspiciously, wearing suspicious clothing, looking suspicious or holding anything suspicious-looking.

Charles Michel, the Belgian Prime Minister, told a tense press conference at the weekend: “Since the retirement of Hercule Poirot and Jean-Claude Van Damme, we have to rely solely on the SA, who are very specific that attacks are possible; with several known or sometimes unknown terrorists striking simultaneously, in several places at any time — even at night or during lunch.

“We understand Salah Abdelslam, the logistics man behind the terror attacks in Paris, said he had “Nothing to Declare” to our bickering Franco-Belge Border Guards. Had they known about the threat posed by Abdelslam, they might not have let him in. Then we wouldn’t have been told by the SA how dangerous he is. In my view, we've had a lucky escape!”

The SA were very specific about the threat, advising they had strong evidence that transport systems (like planes, buses and subways), commercial centres (like high-rise offices), cafés and cartoonists may be targeted.


Tintin and Snowy run for a bunker.

As a show of defiance to the terrorists, all cultural and sporting events have been cancelled, major museums will remain closed and considered for future demolition. Special measures are now being taken at primary and secondary schools and universities, with students’ movements allowed, but limited to or outside school buildings during the day. Certain cultural facilities will open for twice-daily prayer under strict supervision.

Mr. Michel went on to say: “We do realise that hiding will complicate economic and professional demographic in the short to medium term, especially in the Becks beer and chips-with-mayonnaise sectors, but as people are not buying anything, neither are the shop owners. The economy will not collapse or anything, just... well... stop. Longer term, it will simplify residents economic and professional lives significantly, by returning to something that resembles the peaceful days of the Neolithic Era.”

The PM summarized his report by reassuring other European nations that he does not anticipate the closure of the European Parliament building will have any impact on their decision-making timelines, or everyday European parliamentarian business.

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