UnNews:Beck denies charges of compassion and humanity
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Where man always bites dog|
9 July 2014
He composed himself and then continued, "Yes, I'm bringing teddy bears to these innocent migrant children. But that doesn't mean I'm compassionate. I just wanted to artificially raise the stock prices of Build-A-Bear workshops."
Kathleen Brennan of KXTV in San Antonio, Texas asked Beck, "But what about the soccer balls?"
"But Mr. Beck, what about the meals?" chimed in Roger Sartorius from WBXL in Austin.
Beck shot back at the disturbing allegations, "It's McDonald's. I promise! I swear! I'm trying to feed them the worst stuff possible so they can't possibly have a good future of being competitive with American workers. These allegations are just preposterous!"
Brennan gave the ultimate response to him: "Glenn — may I call you Glenn? — The truth seems to be that you are caring for these kids in a world that doesn't care about them. You are providing them fun things to do, a stuffed animal to hug while their parents are nowhere to be found, and food to nourish them in their dark times."
Beck screamed into the microphone, "All right, that's it — press conference is over," and then stormed off of the stage.
Later, on his radio show, Beck posited that the only way to end these allegations against him is "to shoot those saying it in the face."
- Catherine Thompson "Glenn Beck: I've Never Taken A Position More Deadly To My Career". Talking Points Memo, July 9, 2014