UnNews:Be your own Prophet, cut out the middle man

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This column is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-eyeblink misinformation. And by "misinformation", we mean "the truth."

THE MANAGEMENT

5 June 2010

Edwardelric
What would Jesus do? You decide.

RELIGION IS LIKE OCD for Americas personality. It makes people think, say, and do things many would probably rethink, if religion wasn't the natural enemy of critical thinking. The cure? Forget about all those non-Christian religions and philosophies. The 1980s are a horrible reminder of the aftermath of that sort of crap. In fact, we're still paying for it. [1]

That why last week when a Utah woman with an anime head had an alien burst from her abdomen, no one had a clue how to react. [2] It was like a replay of a thousand George Bush clones reacting to the attack on 9/11. There was a palpable silence, except for the poor womans anguished screams as the little monster bit and clawed its way through her organs.

My first instinct was to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?" My second instinct was to scream like a little girl. My third instinct was embarrassing, and I will not get into that here. Actually, I wasn't there, and the preceding was a little movie running through my mind. Dear reader, you may safely ignore this entire paragraph, you have my word.

Huey Lewis and the Jews

After dispatching his old band members with a hose full of mice, Huey Lewis decided to go in a new direction, both musically and unfortunately. After lengthy tryouts, four Hassids and three Samoans made the final cut for Mr. Lewis' band. The feeling was that since the Jewish band members outnumbered the Gentiles, it would be ethical and kosher to name the new band, ""Huey Lewis and the Jews" [3].

Now, I know that in this section of the article, I'm supposed to suddenly start ranting about Samoans (I know enough Samoan guys to know better), or maybe a constellation, or something more random. Frankly, I just don't have it in me. This section is going nowhere. We just won't have it, then.

Be your own Prophet

Think of all the money you could save by rerouting all the money you normally spend being faithful. Tithings, charities, collections, call it what you want, but it adds up. Other cool things are that you can skip all of that time-consuming religious training, make up your own rules, piss people off, get interviewed on talk shows, and so on. I highly recommend it.

For instance, one "pocket Messiah" [4] I know levitates using an ornithopter, and claims the vehicle, "does not actually exist, but is a miracle from the 33rd dimension".

No one will dispute this because he is crazy. [5]

The point

The whole point of my carefully laid out propositions (above) leads us, critical thinkers, to this; I propose we have something analogous to Académie française for the English language. If we had a linguistic police state, people like me would never be published. And that's my point.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
  1. Witness Jonestown, Waco, cantaloupe.
  2. This may or may not have happened.
  3. This also may or may nor have happened.
  4. I adamantly refuse to attribute this to Stephen King.
  5. Crazy like a bat.
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