UnNews:Baumgartner skydive 'was bachelor party prank'

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This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Straight talk, from straight faces

15 October 2012

Baumgartner1

Heartstopping: What experts call the tortoise head moment.

NEW MEXICO, USA -- Felix Baumgartner, the Austrian whose surname literally means "butt-gardener" and whose thrilling 10 minute skydive from outer space quietly thrilled a world of jaded pornography addicts and internet trolls, was actually the victim of a Las Vegas bachelor party stunt, it has been revealed.

The news explains why viewers were unable to hear clear communication between Baum-Gartner and "mission control", a Red Bull-sponsored sham led by Franz Fritzl, Felix's clearly inebriated future father-in-law. Fox News' footage was broadcast on a 5 minute delay, ostensibly to allow the network time to avoid showing any possible man-earth splatfests, but in reality making it possible to edit out the sound of a terrified Baumgartner screaming and crying down his headset at the speed of sound.

Baumgartner's terrified fiancée, Henrietta Wimpelsnacker, who lives in the couple's basement, told us, "My Fee-fee would never do something like this. He's terrified of heights - and anyway, we are getting married tomorrow!" before running off to the arms of her mother, played by Olympia Dukakis, whose surname literally means "do shit" in Greek.

Johhny Arnhold, Baumgartner's best man, was said still to be at Spearmint Rhino and was unavailable for comment, but posted several comments during the skydive on his Facebook and Twitter page in admirably fluent English. One read: "Hahahahahahahahhahaha! Well Felix my boy, commencing countdown, engine's on!" while in another, less cryptically, he wrote: "You see that man falling from space on Channel 7? I did that. Best Junggesellenabschied ever. VEGAS!"

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Soiled: Baum-Gartner is refusing to remove his spacesuit amid rumors of whoopsies.

The horrors of what the groom-to-be suffered are slowly coming to light. Arnhold apparently ensured the improvised spacesuit, slipped onto an unconscious Baumgartner after a drinking game, had three compartments for vomit, urine, and faeces, the emergence of which are almost inevitable when plummeting at 700mph from 128,000 feet. However, when a hysterical Baumgartner finally touched down, he refused to allow anyone to remove the suit, or even to take off his helmet, raising concerns that during the fall, one or all of the compartments was filled to overflowing, and led to the least pleasant spinning experience since Spinning for Butter with Sarah Jessica Parker.

There may be a silver lining, however. Comments on Youtube videos featuring alleged unedited footage of the "three-way-splurge" show many users have a poor concept of how speed is measured. Some seemed to believe that the speed of any bodily excretions should be added to Baumgartner's terminal velocity, which would extend the unwitting bachelor's free fall velocity record to 824mph among the non-scientific community.

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