|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
23 March 2008
Jefferson City, Missouri -- A local community was shocked this morning when a group of preschool students began fighting each other over a disagreement on the color of the famed Easter bunny. The rodent-induced dispute resulted in several boo boos and owies.
The entire dispute began when one student, by the name of Sally Perkins, was discussing how the Easter bunny had flitted into her room and left her several candy bars and a new pet gerbil. "That cute, white Easter rabbit was so kind to me this year," she said, "He left me so much candy I vomited, and the gerbil was fantastic! He survived for a full twenty minutes!"
This comment immediately struck controversy among fellow classmates. Another student, Ludwig Von Phlegm, was outraged by Sally's claim that the Easter bunny was white. He told her that the Easter bunny was brown, not white. "What makes you think he's brown?" Sally asked. "My parents told me," said Ludwig, "And I'd never question anything my parents say. After all, they were right when they told me about the tooth fairy!"
"But MY parents told me he's white, so you're wrong!" said Sally. A Japanese student, Yuki Asakawa, said the Easter Bunny was purple. "PURPLE?!" Sally screamed. "Bunnies aren't purple. So I don't believe the Easter Bunny is purple." Soon, the class was divided between students who believed the Easter bunny was white, those who thought he was brown, and those who thought he was a deep shade of magenta, and even a few who thought he was purple. One skeptical student had the audacity to claim that there was no Easter bunny. He was promptly thrown in a dumpster. "The fact that the skeptic was wrong was the only thing the students could all agree on," said the teacher in an interview about the incident.
After screaming at each other for several minutes, the argument soon became violent. One student brought out a set of brass knuckles and started punching his classmate. "I'm right, and you're wrong! That's all there is to it!" screamed Sally, as she dunked a classmate's head in a bucket of finger paint. "No, YOU'RE the one who's wrong! I BELIEVE it!"' screamed another student as he rammed a crayon up Sally's nose.
In the process of defending their beliefs, the students destroyed most of the preschool, and by the end of the day, most of them were unconscious. "I've got to stick up for my beliefs, because I KNOW they're true!" said Ludwig, one of the last students remaining standing, "Of course, I've never questioned them, but that's because they're right! I really, REALLY believe that the Easter bunny is brown, so that automatically makes it true!"
"When the Easter Bunny finds out what insults you have done to His name, he's gonna come back here with a butcher knife and mutilate you all!" screamed Sally as she was escorted from the preschool so doctors could deal with her crayon-related injuries. All students are being treated for serious to minor injuries at St. Shreks Hospitable for Children. When interviewed, the doctors of SSHC said that they were dealing with 2 broken arms, 1 broken nose 2 bottle related injuries and 1 case of severe trauma similar to the cases found in Vietnam vets.
"I could have broken the fight up, I suppose," says the teacher, "But it was just too damn funny to watch. God, I hope the same thing happens when they argue about Santa Claus' beard size!" She was fired after the fight for not trying to stop it in the first place.
"What is wrong with these kids?" says the principal. "It's just one of those days where they get all violent and whatnot." Sally Perkins' parents swear revenge against those who didn't believe the Easter Bunny was white (that includes Yuki!).
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|