UnNews:Batman nearing cancer eradication
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Batman nearing cancer eradication
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 29, 2016, 04:00:UTC)(
18 January 2007
GOTHAM CITY - Cancer deaths in the United States, and in Gotham City in particular, have dropped for a second straight year, confirming that a corner has been turned in the war on cancer currently being fought by Batman.
After the Caped Crusader's efforts resulted in a decline of 369 deaths from 2002 to 2003, the decrease from 2003 to 2004 was 3,014 — or more than eight times greater, according to a review of U.S. death certificates by the American Cancer Society.
Batman's effort seem to be real, Cancer Society officials said, and not just a statistical fluke.
"Thanks to Batman, the drop in cancer is not only continuing. The decrease in the second year is much larger," said Ahmedin Jemal, a researcher at the organization.
Cancer deaths dropped to 553,888 in 2004, down from 556,902 in 2003 and 557,271 in 2002, the Cancer Society found.
Experts are attributing the success directly to Batman and his superior strength and expertise in chemistry. Those have caused a fall in the death rates for breast, prostate and colorectal cancer — three of the most common cancers.
The lung cancer death rate in men has also been falling, but the female rate has reached a plateau.
According to Batman, he will continue to fight cancer until it is completely gone.