UnNews:Barney the Dinosaur responsible for death
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Barney the Dinosaur responsible for death
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 18:54:UTC)(
30 May 2007
At 11:53 AM today, Barney the Dinosaur confessed to the crime of murder of Mr. Tinky Winky. All suspects were brought into custody, including George W. Bush, your mom, Dipsy, Osama Bin Laden, Blarney Stone and a hyena. The recent assassination has sent all the other teletubbies into hiding, in an undisclosed location. After examination, the bullet used to exterminate Winky was made of pure pickle, leaving only one possible suspect. Police officer James Blunt explains "Barney was not suspected due to his single-sex marriage to Winky and popularity among drug addicts. Fucking bastard, we all know it was him (whispering) but between you and me, my chief officer says that for legal reasons."
Barney the Dinosaur was taken into a private jail named High School in Illinois. He was taken in for questioning by famous car salesman/cucumber wrestler/flamingo Johnny Depp. Barney was tied to the floor and Depp threw a boulder on him in a very uncomfortable place and firmly requested a confession. Depp reapeated this process until Baby Bop and BJ burst into the room and took Dinosaur with them. Depp was later found on a pornographic site with no clothes on.
The sudden abduction resulted in much outrage; babies chewing on their Barney tapes, cuddly dinosaur toys being thrown out of windows and the remaining teletubbies staying under close guard. Policeman, the FBI, SimCity designer Bob the Builder and CSI are all on close trail of the three rampaging dinosaurs.
"We are sure to kick those lizard's asses good and hard. The only thing Barney will be able to cuddle now is his genetically engineered boobs," Special Agent S for Shit explains. "And Poe, I think you are bat fuck insane". It was also known that barney was beaten up.