UnNews:Barney the Dinosaur found dead in an old alley
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Barney the Dinosaur found dead in an old alley
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 17:55 (UTC)
16 June 2007
Barney the Dinosaur's corpse was recently found in an alley behind a bar on Sesame Street. He had been shot two times in one leg, and and had his throat slit.
"The bastard had it coming!" Po says upon hearing the news. Police asked if he did it. "Wish I did, but I didn't. I would've killed him if I had the chance." Po replies. "I was in that bar, but I tried to ignore him. He was so damn drunk he didn't notice me. He was hitting on this girl I think was related to the barkeep. This was a real shocker because I know the Dino was an obnoxious gay. I would've shown him out, the barkeep and me are good friends, but I was too scared. Kermit told me to go teach him a lesson, but I said I would get into trouble. Barkeep eventually told him to shut the hell up and get the hell out of my bar. Perhaps barkeep knows more." Po finally finished.
Barney burns in hell
Upon hearing this, police followed Po's advice, and asked the man everyone just seemed to call Barkeep. "Sick pervert was hitting on my 23 year old daughter!" Barkeep said. "He had at least 32 beers. He asked me for another, and I said are you sure you haven't had enough?, and then he says Give me another beer, damnit!. He took a look at Christine, my daughter. He thought she was a tranny. He demanded she go back to his place. I am standing here going like What the fuck?. He continues to beg her, and then he put his hand on her leg, and started to go upward. After that, I pulled him up by the back, and he punched me in the eye. That's where this black-eye came from!" Barkeep did have a black-eye. "I told him Leave, or I'll call the cops!. He left. I didn't know he was murdered till you guys came up heres. I'm pretty surprised Po didn't jump his ass with Kermit. He would sure deserve it."
Earlier this month on June 2, as reported in UnNews, Barney was acquitted of murdering Tinky Winky. When questioned if Barney's death was a revenge killing, NYC Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly denied any connection of Barney's death and the earlier acquittal saying only "We're looking into all possibilities."
Spokesperson Donna Draws (who changed her name from from the Germanic 'Unterpants' and later Americanized to 'Underpants' and finally to Draws) for PBS was less concerned with finding Barney's killer. "We do not know who his murderer is. It doesn't matter if they come clean or not; they will not be taken into custody, because I think I speak for all of PBS when I say 'Thank you, you son of a bitch!' ".
18 June 2007
To the contrary, Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of NYC and personal friend of Barney, has promised that Barney's killer will be brought to justice "No matter what!" Bloomberg was well-known to visit NYC hot nightspots with Barney, Rosey O'Donnell, and Harvey Fierstein. Bloomberg also had Barney as a frequent weekend guest at his home in Jamaica, said "No gay, no matter what he or she has done, even if justified, does not justify being killed." He continued,"Even self-defense is no excuse," said the steadfast mayor. "We'll get justice, even if I have to buy my own jury!" Bloomberg added. New Yorkers and other insane people throughout the country cheered.
"I don't think so!" Hello Kitty stated to Michael Bloomberg. "We at the Academy have despised that bitch! He was always pissing in our plants, lighting a bag of crap on fire an the doorstep, hiding our dorm's remote. Really sick stuff! You are only defending him because you had sex with him! And so did you" she points to some guy in the audience (who really did suck Barney's dick)
"And so did you!" she then points to Michael Jackson. "Sorry mayor, but, in my opinion, a great burden has been taken from us! A great curse has been lifted! Who is with me?" One or two people cheered. "You stupid New-Yorkers!" She said as she left the booth.
29 June 2007
Mayor Bloomberg has just now issued a warrant for the killer's arrest. Hello Kitty, Poe, Kermit, Terannga Leela, and Earnie (still not over the fact that Big Bird died of the Bird Flu recently) lined up at the police station. They were all likely suspects, but none of them did it. It says on the polygraph test. Later on, Hello Kitty was placed in jail for a week for threatening Bloomberg. UnNews has gone around collecting thoughts of this:
However, Barney has once again risen from the dead and promises to use his evil ally Becky Fischer to enslave children world wide. The fat cunt must be destroyed.
“This is some bullcrap!”
“Whoever killed Barney, it is not funny! Waaaaaaahhhhh!”
“Shut up! Yes it is! Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!”
“I'm a tornado! I'm a tornado!”
“He humped me! Stoopid Bawney!”
There you have it. Bloomberg has just made the list of every sane person in the nation. Expect riots in New York.
1 July 2007
At first, the first to get pointed at was the Teletubbies, but according to a polygraph test, they didn't do it. Any of them. Now, the suspects are: Any member of AKHM, Jesus, Santa Claus, and Satan (he wanted Barney down in hell with him).
There are many clues that a member (or members) of AKHM killed Barney, making AKHM prime suspects.
In the article Extreme Kitten Huffing: Addictions written by ORION, Barney yells out that he is not a kitten huffer. ORION answers (in closest transcript):<br
"Not exactly a question, but allow me to shed a little light on that! I have a picture of you so high, you're confused! I also have a picture of the cat you huff so damn much! It's obviously going to die because of Hyper-Huffed Syndrome! If you say something of this subject again, I will take you down to an alley, and blow your face off with a shotgun!!!"
Did you notice the "Alley" in that dialogue? We bolded it for you. If you did not notice, you are an idiot. Of course, we cannot decide at the moment, since Barney was despised by everybody.
2 July 2007
Barney's funeral is scheduled for July 6, 2007. Bloomberg assumed he deserved atleast a proper burial.
That is bullshit! Barney's corpse should be spit on by everybody! His corpse should be hung from the statue of liberty, to signify that we have been liberated from a great burden! His brain should be paraded through the city!!! Muahahahahaha!!!1!!!
6 July 2007
There was a surprising number of people attending Barney's funeral. Amoung them was Michael Jackson, sobbing at Barney's coffin (go figure), Bloomberg, Tom Hanks, Pamela Anderson, and Barney's Mother. The Barney Lovers were crying over his death, while the Non-Huffable Kitten and other two members of AKHM were laughing their asses off. Then all of a sudden, the three members of AKHM leave, and the funeral home set on fire. At first, AKHM was pointed at. But after two hours, blame rested on the Hello Kitty National Academy (HKNA). Police revealed that it was the Epsilon ward of HKNA that were the arsonists.
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