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24 December 2008
HONOLULU, Hawaii -- Legendary and beloved Christmas icon Santa Claus is getting a whole new look and spirit, thanks to the victory of Barack Obama in the 2008 Santorial Election. He defeated previous Santa George W. Bush by a snowslide; John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Sarah Palin also ran for the coveted position. The former Illinois Senator was inaugurated as St. Nick Monday.
Obama says that he, at 47, is the youngest Santa since John Frost Kringle, who was assassinated by Hannukah Harry on December 22, 1963 at the age of 46 -- though there are many conspiracy theories involving E. Howard Hunt and Lyndon Johnson. And because of his youth, he says, Santa will not be portrayed as the jolly old elf we all know and love. "Nope. It's out with the old school way of thinking, and in with the new."
"First of all, red is out. Red is a good color, but its use by Bush represents Republicanism, Communism, conservatism, dictatorship, Nazism, and the overall death of democracy," he said. "I want to get away from that shit. Therefore, I have mandated that the colors on my suit be blue, to represent deomocracy and liberalism.
And about the beard: Fuck the beard. Beards are for squares. I wanna be Kris Kringle, not Billy Gibbons. I want to look young, not old. That's why I am replacing the big white beard with a Charles Bronson mustache. Charles Bronson represented the true spirit of Christmas... vigilantism."
When asked why he decided to move Santa's Toy Shop from the North Pole to Honolulu, he answered stating that it's "too damn cold up north. And besides, I thought it would be better to operate within the United States since Bush mandated his Immigration Policy during his Santorial years, which prevents Santa from coming within 50 miles of Mexico. It would have been nice to operate from Tijuana, but I have not yet enacted an appeal of the policy, so Mexican President Felipe Calderón is gonna have to wait until next year to get his XBox 360 and Rock Band 2 video game. Maybe this year, I can get the Easter Bunny to come down Calderón's chimney and give him The Dark Knight or something nice." Calderón declined comment for this story.
Obama went on to say:
“Previous Santas have used love and jolliness to send presents to all the good girls and boys; Bush used fear and paranoia as his weapons of choice. I have no choice, but to put the Republican Party on my Naughty List this year, as well as everybody else in the world for voting for this piece of shit Santa and having him fuck up America during his entire eight years of office. I might put a few Democrats on my nice list, and give them The Dark Knight and Season 1 of Pushing Daisies.”
Obama will make his first-ever trip down your chimney Wednesday night. "I've actually heard that some of them chimneys (sic) are dirty. Somebody should call Dick Van Dyke to sweep them out." Van Dyke, who has a chimney sweeping license, promptly cleaned out five of said chimneys.
Christmas takes place Thursday. You are expected to receive a lump of coal under your tree, unless you are a Democrat and you voted for Obama.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|