|This article is part of UnNews||UnFair and UnBalanced|
10 September 2012
Looking to impress a local pizza restaurant with his fighting skills, Obama challenged a crowd in the parlour to see if he could "bond" with the White American Male vote. Taking this as a challenge, hefty Scott Van Duzer agreed to take on the Commander in Chief in a wrestling bout. And in the spirit of the 2012 Olympics, Duzer said he would do it "with them Ancient Greek rules about no grabbing below the waistband."
Choosing just to remove his jacket, Obama stepped into the titled arena that was just a few seconds earlier the scene of happy people eating their Olympic-sized meals. Duzer bellowed, stamped his foot and soon got Obama in a hold, known as "the Nero Sucker Grab". Obama looked in turn amused, alarmed, and scared, and he finally used a secret hand signal to the Navy Seals to "take this dude down". Eventually Duzer let Obama go, and claimed a victory photograph of him with Obama for his friends.
It was later revealed that Duzer is a registered Republican, but his request to wrestle with Mitt Romney had been turned down for fear of the Mormon candidate breaking out into a nervous sweat. Obama said he was "fully happy" to be so close to a potential voter; despite this, he later changed his shirt to avoid putting off other potential voters with the smell of fried bacon.