UnNews:Bank of England Lowers Interest Rates
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Bank of England Lowers Interest Rates
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 30, 2017, 09:04:UTC)(
5 February 2009
City of London, England, United Kingdom -- The Bank of England announced today that interest rates will be reduced by a further 0.5 percent. This decison was made after it was noted that the interest rate has not been lowered in almost a month. However, some controversy over the action arose after the government realized that the interest rate now sits at a flat zero percent.
This latest blow to Britain's economy came as the last in a series of monthly reduces, allegedly aimed at discouraging the use of banks. Previously, Gordon Brown revealed that his "innovative" solution to the economic downturn was to encourage people to stop using banks alltogether, thus preventing any further damage from being done.
When asked about the validility of the above aim, Alistair Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer, gave the following brief statement: "After extensive research and secondhand output attainmant filtration, it was concluded that a solution to the current situation wherein the populace of Great Britain are, by and large under the impression that a adequate solution to their own personal problems is to cesain frivolous are otherwise elaborate spending, and who are alos suffering a significant lack of confidence in the banking system and the economy in general, would be to steadily reduce, over a predetermined length of time, the rates of interest paid on currency saved by all persons in the Bank of England; with the eventual result of causing a complete lack of any conceivable form of trust or positive disposition towards the afforementioned Bank, thereby causing the inevitable destruction of the capitalist system, designated, as it was at our last cabinet meeting, to be predisposed towards not-insignificant failure." UnNews was unable to inquire further about the meaning of his claims, as he was then rushed to hospital to be resusicated.
The current drop, placing the interest rate at zero, caused widespread complaint. However, as the population of the United Kingdom long ago lost any faith in the banking system, no further damage to there confidence was done and the economy has not yet slumped further.
Despite this fact, riots occured outside the Bank of England headquarters in the City of London. When asked about the action he planned to take, Gordon Brown said: "Christ, it was an accident. I do have a whole fucking country to run; I can't be expected to notice that little number had gone to zero instead of three, can I?" After being asked by our reporters if he was going to restore the interest to its previous rate due to public demand, he replied: "It's a democracy, isn't it? Would you want to be voted out? Talk about a pointless bloody question.