UnNews:Baltimore cop suspended
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Baltimore cop suspended
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 27, 2016, 19:18:UTC)(
13 February 2008
Baltimore, Maryland-- A Baltimore cop was suspended last evening for allegedly eating a teen's skateboard. Officer Rivieri was involved in this incident last year which was videotaped by one of the accused friends. The victim's mother, a patient suffering from Delayed Reaction Syndrome, needed more than three months to process the information provided by her son and finally registered a case.
The victim who was skateboarding in Baltimore was confronted by the cop, who demanded the teens to hand over the skateboard. The victim said,"THAT GUY IS A MONSTER. He ate the entire one-metre skateboard in one-piece. That skateboard is my best friend. I can only remember the great times I had with it ever since I was five years old. If he really wanted a skateboard to eat, he could have asked for money( read bribe)."
PETS ( People for the ethical treatment of skateboards) severely condemned the event and demanded a written apology from the cop to the skateboarding association. Citing the laws against skateboards broken by Officer Rivieri, PETS said,"He broke several laws and could be in a lot of trouble. First of all, it is unethical to touch a skateboard that doesn't belong to you and it is illegal in Baltimore to eat a skateboard in one-piece except on 'Skateboard-eaters Day'." All members of PETS also observed a minute's silence in memory of the skateboard.
The incident came into light when one of the teen's friends uploaded the video of the incident on youtube. The uploader said," That dude didn't want to be called a 'dude'. Gee dude, I never thought some dude would be upset because some dude called him a 'dude'. Dudes don't like dudes who don't like to be called 'dudes'." When asked about the skateboard, he said, " I sincerely hope that it rests in peace. We are all very sad. It was such a terrible ending to such a good skateboard. I wouldn't have mind much if it got broken or....., But to get eaten by a guy with bad-breath, is just terrible."
After suspending the officer, The police commissioner, Dignam, who was just transferred from Massachusetts, reluctantly said," What kind of fucking appetite is that! To fucking go out and fucking take some fucking guy's fucking skateboard by some fucking force and fucking eating it. We are fucking worried about the fucking appetite of our fucking officers and this is not fucking good. The fucking doctor just fucking came in with the fucking report and fucking said that the fucking skateboard got fucking digested. What kind of fucking digestive system does he fucking have? This kind of fucking attitute is fucking disturbing and so we have fucking dismissed him." However, global warming experts claim that global warming is the reason for changing appetites among police officers. Al Gore said," Well, Baltimore is one of the worst affected areas by global warming, it seems. Last years, some police officers ate a dirt bike and now a skateboard. It wouldn't take long for them to mutate and eat cars." Jewish oracles and astrologers, on the other hand, said that such an incident might trigger the rising from the dead of Adolf Hitler.
On the lighter side, this incident helped youtube gain a substantial amount form sponsors as sponsorship rights for the video hit an all-time high just six hours ago. Analysts claim that youtube gained ten times the sponsors today because of that single video. FBI are investigating whether the accused-cop and those teenagers are getting paid by youtube.
This news item is neither sponsored by youtube, nor by the people mentioned in the above article. Readers are advised not to imitate and eat a skateboard in one-piece as it may cause difficulties breathing and may choke you.
- F'Tube "Baltimore cop suspended". [[wikipedia:|]], February 13, 2008