UnNews:Ballmer takes reins of Clippers

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14 August 2014

Gates ballmer

Ballmer (right) holds a press conference to introduce the diminuitive point guard for the 2014-15 season. His name does not matter, as he will be replaced when Ballmer announces Service Pack 1.

REDMOND, Washington -- Steve Ballmer, who acquired the Los Angeles Clippers after years running Microsoft, announced a four-point plan by which the team will recover from both the hurtful remarks of ex-owner Donald Sterling and its own abject inability to play basketball:

  • Every other year's product will be awful, will prompt executive-suite spin about how the team is "rebuilding" or something, and mixing promises and threats to the customers to stick with the franchise as it is just about to do "touch" correctly. In intervening releases, the product will become tolerable, while never recapturing its bygone glory.
  • Each new edition of the product will be unrecognizable to previous customers, who will be offered a choice of a video and paying for courseware. In other words, the team will continue its tradition of near-complete player turnover. Fans who have invested based on the previous year's product will have to start over; for example, jerseys from 2013 will no longer be allowed in the arena.
  • Fans in the new season will be subject to electronic monitoring of their activities and automated removal of property that Ballmer decides they should not have been allowed to acquire.
  • Ballmer will, of course, repudiate Sterling's hurtful remarks disinviting African Americans, a few of whom were tricking with the girlfriend with whom he was cheating on his wife. Before returning to the fan base, however, blacks will have to phone a support desk in Pakistan and correctly recite a sixty-digit number.

Ballmer made a public appeal to Clippers fans, saying, "With your help, we can go all the way this year and snatch the ultimate prize — the ping-pong ball giving us the #1 draft!"

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