UnNews:Bachmann seizes victory in unimportant straw poll

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14 August 2011

Bachmann
Bachmann can be seen here trying to woo male voters by enjoying some phallic-shaped delicacies at the fair.

AMES, Iowa -- 17,000 Iowans came together to disagree with one another during the most recent Ames straw poll, a daylong political festival held every four years. Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was victorious in her campaign to bus as many people as possible to Ames to support her in the straw poll. Texas Congressman Ron Paul came in a close second after paying for hundreds of his supporters' tickets to participate in the straw poll, which usually costs each person thirty dollars and a weekend of their time spent in the depressingly small college town of Ames. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty came in a distant third despite spending over one million dollars campaigning in Iowa and selling his soul to Satan to win. Satan later rescinded his support for Pawlenty and voted for Bachmann in the straw poll.

Despite their efforts to win it, all of the candidates except Michele Bachmann know that winning the Ames straw poll is the equivalent of not winning the Ames straw poll. In reality, the results of the straw poll give some indication as to who will probably not be winning the GOP candidacy or the presidency. In fact, many of the previous winners of the Ames straw polls have advanced to successful careers in not being president, such as Pat Robertson and Bob "Robert" Dole. Another factor to be considered is that Texas Governor George W. Bush Rick Perry, who is considered a heavyweight contender for nicest haircut, was not on the ballot. Perry was instead in South Carolina officially declaring his candidacy for the Republican nomination. This was preceded by a Twitter post the week prior which unofficially declared that he would officially declare on his Facebook his intention of declaring that he would officially declare his candidacy.

Mitt Romney garnered only 567 votes despite winning the most recent (2007) straw poll. For comparison, Bachmann received 4,823 votes and Paul received 4,671; for an even greater comparison, Perry still received 718 write-in votes despite not being on the ballot. "It doesn't matter to Mitt," said Romney talking in the third person, "We live in America, the greatest country on Earth, where you don't have to get the most votes to win." Republican underdog Ron Paul tried his damnedest to win the Ames straw poll this time. He too organized free bus travel from all over Iowa to pick up hundreds of his supporters and drive them to Ames. "I support Ron Paul because he said he cares about the environment," said a Ron Paul supporter on one of the buses. "I also support Ron Paul," said another.

Immediately after the results of the poll became clear, everyone except the media gave a sigh of relief and went home. Many reporters stayed in Ames to continue talking ad nauseum about why the Ames straw poll does not really matter all that much in the end. "The Ames straw poll, of course, doesn't mean much as there's so much time til the next election and so many factors to consider," said CNN's Don Lemon reporting from Ames. "Stay with us for the next 48 hours as we overanalyze the same straw poll nonstop in between reminding you of how meaningless it ultimately is. Coming up next: the Ames straw poll...does it really not matter?"

Thankfully, only eighty-seven discrepancies occurred in this year's tallying of the poll, which is a major improvement from the blunders of 2007. The most alarming error was that 17,000 Iowans had participated despite this number being triple the population of Iowa. All other discrepancies were swept under the rug and forgotten about. I mean uhh, what discrepancies?

Also, an obligatory sentence about Sarah Palin.

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