UnNews:BP's chief meerkat caught cheating
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BP's chief meerkat caught cheating
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 15:05:UTC)(
14 April 2011
Aleksandr Orlov, Chief Rodent of the international petroleum company BP, was caught emerging from the bedroom of Russian oil flirt, Madame Stash-Roubles Rosneft after he had earlier booked into the hotel with another slick partner (identified as Mrs TNK-BP) earlier that evening. When collared and put on lead by the police, Orlov protested that he was 'only doing what any free market-supporting meerkat would do' and had been looking for another 'friend' to share a burrow with, and compare his wife too. Orlov also denied he was a moral weasel and suggested Mrs TNK-BP had approved of her partner's financially promiscuous behavior. But attempts to get Mrs TNK to bail out her erstwhile, ferret-faced husband were met with a permanent engaged tone on the telephone.
This isn't the first time Orlov has been caught with oily paws. Last year. Orlov took on the job of Chairmeerkat of BP following a fight outside his home in the tv series Meerkat Manor. His fiesty behavior then and a reputation as a telegenic sales meerkat who could sell insurance got him noticed by BP when they were trying to fight bad publicity after their big Mexican oil rig blowup in 2010. However, as power went to his hind legs, it is now alleged Orlov decided to spread some of his 'meerkat charisma' around by visiting 'business partners' in their hotel bedrooms for special one-to-one deals.
In Moscow, the Russian police eventually allowed Orlov to 'squeak' to the media. However, Orlov insisted in speaking to UnNews first - by using a tin-can-on-a-string link with one of our
desperate dedicated reporters.
..I was treated very badly by Stash-Roubles Rosneft. I told my wife 'TNK' that I was just popping out for a stroll in my dressing gown and the next thing I knew, I was in a different room, three floors below and got introduced to Madame Rosneft in her shower. It was all innocent I tell you. I was only in there to hold Rosneft's soap dish when, the next thing I knew, our meeting had gone public with the help of the Russian police. Mrs TNK is threatening to remove my assets with the help of an amateur vet and a pair of sharp scissors..gulp...
So far BP says there are 'fully behind' Orlov - with a large stone to drop on him from a great height. So far Orlov has chosen to stay in Moscow to avoid his bosses, and more likely, his very angry wife.