UnNews:BBC loses General Election

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BBC loses General Election

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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8 May 2015

Elmoelec

BBC MP, Mr. Elmo reels at realising the UK don't want muppets running the country anymore.

LONDON, England -- Red faces and absurd metaphors are filling the newswires this morning as the British public has voted against the BBC and instead has returned the Conservatives to Parliament. The taxpayer funded “neutral” BBC have been describing the result as “extraordinary” and are reeling from the loss of power they thought they would acquire over the country and its Ministers.

Announcing their defeat on their children's programme, Newsround, main BBC News channels have been busy claiming no one predicted the result — except, of course, every poll throughout the campaign and sixty million members of the British general public.

Mealy-mouthed commentators have made a U-turn, now saying they thought the Tories would win, really. The Old Guard is blaming the BBC’s defeat on Tony Hall’s decision not to sack Jeremy Clarkson early enough before the campaign kick-off. Others have ceased calling the election “the most exciting in UK history (since the last one)” and have begun bemoaning the “example of our fractured politics”.

Before the Prime Minister had returned from Buckingham Palace, the BBC launched their 2020 General Election campaign, comparing 2015 to John Major’s victory in 1992 – with the same majority – highlighting the Labour landslide that occured only a full five-year term later. The BBC is also reporting on David “C3PO made of ham” Cameron’s alienation of Tory back-benchers, and reluctance to fast-track new policies, since his first seven minutes as Prime Minister.

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The BBC's Andrew Marr is subjecting the British public to more PowerPoint slides than a Health and Safety seminar. Marr is determined to show that even Netanyahu's coalition has achieved quicker political progress than Cameron; as well as achieving an overall majority amongst sympathizers in the United States.

Failing to find any members of the public particularly excited about the result, mortified BBC news presenters are frantically interviewing other mortified BBC news presenters, in a bid to save face and probably careers. The predictable victory has also taken big scalps, such as Labour leader Ed Miliband, Lib-Dem leader Nick Clegg and UKIP leader Michael Farage, all standing down after defeat. It is unknown whether BBC leader Tony Hall will follow.

With a total of 640 seats throughout the United Kingdom, the Conservatives came first with 327 votes. Labour was the runner-up, with 232 votes, and at last report was begging the Queen for the chance to form a coalition government. The SNP got 68 votes, but they were all in Scotland so they only count as half votes, the Lib Dems got eight and the others got five votes between them, probably one each from their mothers.

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