UnNews:Axis of evil-doers to add pregnancy committee
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Axis of evil-doers to add pregnancy committee
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, November 30, 2015, 19:18:UTC)(
14 February 2013
Doomstadt, Latveria -- In a surprise move, the Axis of evil-doers has announced a major restructuring today, adding a committee on pregnancy-related evil-doing, and removing its Music and Theater committee. Once a large organization, consisting of over 200 members, the Axis of evil-doers has become a more exclusive organization, limited to 25 or so members at the moment.
"The Axis of evil-doers restructures itself from time to time. At one time, we had 200 members, which meant we had to rent a banquet hall every month to hold our meetings. Discussing our plans for evil at a public location was a security risk, and it was getting expensive. Also, have you ever tried to get anything done with a 200 person committee? Its like herding cats to just maintain order, to say nothing about actually planning anything. We decided that the group needed to small enough to fit into our executive meeting room at the Axis of evil headquarters," said Axis of evil-doers president Dick Cheney.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney then went on to explain his decision, "We feel that the Axis of evil-doers has been ignoring pregnancy-related evil for far too long. That is why we invited Preggobear, Newtis Newtfield, and Mama Luigi to join the Axis. Naturally, we had to let someone go, because we can only fit 25 chairs at our meeting table, and I'm afraid that our Music and Theater committee is under preforming. Abu Hamza is in prison right now. The Jonas Brothers are past their prime. And I don't even know who "Ke$ha' is. We were considering letting Pope Benedict XVI go, considering his recent retirement from the Papacy. However, it appears he is still employed as a Sith Lord is an alternate universe."
"Preggobear rapes pregnant women, and if inter-species rape isn't evil, I don't know what is. Newtis Newtfield wants to nationalize all human uteri, and allow newts to live therein without the consent of the host female. That is also quite evil. Mama Luigi is also evil. You may think that is only claim to fame is giving birth to Yoshi, but that is just want he wants to think. With these new additions, I hope the Axis of evil-doers can once again become the greatest force for evil in the world," Cheney continued.
However, not everyone was pleased with the reshuffling. Kes$ha, a famous musician and, until recently, head of the Music and Theater committee of the axis of evil-doers is quoting as, "I will have my revenge for this insult. Not only was I kicked out the Axis of evil-doers, but I was replaced by a trio of pregnancy-related super-villains consisting of a bear, a salamander, and a variant on Luigi. Is Dick Cheney trying to insult me?"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
Likewise, American actress Miranda Cosgrove felt slighted for her exclusion from the axis of evil-doers, feeling that her ability to house several womb newts at once would be important to any evil plot involving newts. She is quoted as saying, "Newtis Newtfield might be able to create plans to infest every woman's uterus with a newt, but where is going to find enough newts? My uterus, that's where." However, it has been reported that Newtfield will be attending the meeting inside a host uterus, and is willing to use Cosgrove's uterus for easy communication with his newt minions. There is no word yet if Cosgrove willing to attend axis of evil-doers meeting as a host body.