UnNews:Auto Industry To Receive Massive Bailout
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Auto Industry To Receive Massive Bailout
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 07:40 (UTC)
16 November 2008
DETROIT (UP) President Bush today approved a massive bailout package for the struggling auto industry. An additional $500 billion dollars will be allocated from the general fund in order for General Motors, Ford and Chrysler (also known as the "Big Three") to resume operations. "In order to protect the auto industry here in America, I've been in discussions with representatives of the Big Three and I feel that this would be best thing for everyone concerned. It will keep American jobs in American hands and return us to those uniquely American values which have been undermined in recent years" said President Bush during the announcement.
In those recent years a series of damaging blows has driven the Big Three to the verge of bankruptcy for stressing expensive, fuel-guzzling SUVs and large pickups. These vehicles were, and still are, far more profitable than smaller, fuel-efficient cars but when gasoline prices shot past $4 in 2008, nervous-nellie Americans stopped buying these really cool vehicles. The Credit Crisis has been totally bogus, creating an environment where nobody was ballsy enough to loan GM the money to buy Chrysler and with consumer credit tightening it became much harder for people with average or poor credit to obtain a bank loan to buy these fine, luxury vehicles. Stock prices then fell as cowardly shareholders worried about bankruptcy, sending GM's shares to below 1946 levels.
"Our backs were to the wall yesterday but we're back in business today" said GM Chairman and CEO Richard Wagoner Jr. "The president has seen our operations and has faith in the GM business model, our leadership and our products. We just temporarily ran out of money".
With gas prices sinking rapidly and the efforts of Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke starting to turn the economy around, the future looks bright for the Big Three. Currently, the focus in the industry is on developing a vehicle which combines the minivan concept with a monster truck attitude. With the coffers filled again, the Big Three should be unveiling their new 2010 models within six months.