UnNews:Authenticity of latest bin Laden video questioned
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Authenticity of latest bin Laden video questioned
We distort, you deride
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 23:35 (UTC)
11 September 2007
WASHINGTON DC -- Video enhancement experts at the Pentagon have discovered peculiarities in the latest Osama bin Laden video that may indicate a hoax, say numerous unnamed sources. The video, which purports to show terrorist mastermind and furniture salesman bin Laden calling for the destruction of the United States (as usual), curiously seems to show bin Laden sporting a thick beard of bees, rather than the usual nappy hair.
"The bee beard is definitely unusual, and not seen in any of his other videos," said Mitchell Fouts, noted Osama watcher. "But I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss the video just for that."
Fouts explained that bin Laden, hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan for many years now, may have had to resort to raising bees in his beard in order to feast on the sweet, sweet honey made by the buzzing insects. Pentagon officials, however, are not so sure.
"He's taunting us," said Gen. Winston Packrat. "He's basically saying that we're doing such an ineffective job at finding him and bringing him to justice that he can grow delicious bees around his face and neck with impunity."
Others have said that the man in the video may not be bin Laden at all, and is merely a ploy by the U.S. government to continue to stoke the fires of terror paranoia and further erode American civil liberties in the name of national security. Most of these people are on the Internet, though, and therefore considered ridiculous and possessing very small testicles.
White House response to the video was to declare martial law in all states east of the Mississippi River, and require all personal firearms be turned into local branches of the United Nations peacekeeper forces immediately or face hanging by the nearest streetlamp.
- August Derleth "Osama bobble heads not living up to sales predictors". Book of Revelation, September 11, 2007