Australian Government Prevents Apocalypse

Democracy Dies with Dignity

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14 June 2006

The Federal Government of Australia averted an imminent apocalypse by intervening to quash a Gay Marriage bill at midnight (Australian EST). The bill, which was approved by the government of the semi-autonomous Australian Capital Territory, would have allowed civil unions between same sex couples to take place as early as next week.

A spokesman for the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Pestilence, said that he was disappointed by the intervention but still held out hopes for the future; “Yeah it was disappointing”, he said, speaking from the Lake of Fire, Hell, “I mean, Famine in particular was just psyched to go, he had his trusty steed of death all saddled up, he was so keen to let loose some apocalyptic wroth, then we got the news that it wasn’t going ahead and the room sort of went quiet. We went back to my place and wound down over a couple of beers, but the mood was pretty low”. The move also upset the horsemen’s superiors. “…Yeah, Lucy in particular was just upset” he claimed [referring to Lucifer, eternal lord of Hell and Keeper of the Night] “As we left I turned around to tell him to drive safely and I think I saw tears in his eyes, I don’t think any of the guys have seen him cry before, and hey, we’ve been here for eternity”.

Not all transcendent beings, however, were as disappointed at the result as Lucifer. Speaking from the steps of The Pearly Gates, Heaven, Lord and Savior Jesus Christ said that he was pleased with the result; “Well I just say thank Dad that we have such righteous, upstanding conservatives like the Australian Government, who are willing to stand up for bigotry in the face of freedom of expression and equality. I mean, when I said all that stuff about treating your brothers with kindness and respect, I was really only talking about rich white heterosexual Christians, all those inferiors and minorities better learn their place again pretty soon, or I’m going to get out the fire and brimstone, if you know what I mean”.

Asked why he let the bill get so far, Christ was willing to offer an explanation; “We have been pretty preoccupied over the last few weeks with that 6/6/06 thing, keeping an eye out for the anti-me and stuff. Quite frankly it’s been bothering us for about a year, ever since Pete [St Peter, Guardian of The Pearly Gates], showed us that Omen movie we’ve been pretty freaked out”. Australian civil rights advocates were unavailable for comment, it is understood that most have gone into hiding fearing the consequences of the “Seditious Libel (Ungodly Slanders) Act 2006.