UnNews:Australia to solve cocaine crisis by banning rugby
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Australia to solve cocaine crisis by banning rugby
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 14:10:UTC)(
17 May 2017
SYDNEY, Australia -- Following the cocaine scandal that rocked Australian rugby clubs over the last two weeks, with Sharks chairman Damian Keogh and Roosters center Shaun Kenny-Dowall the last two arrested, Colombian cartels have started petitioning for a ban on the sport, saying that it is no longer worth the bad press.
Once upon a time, cocaine was the rich man's drug. Something that a psychopathic corporate CEO could develop a habit for, commit several minor "indisgressions" and then quietly choke on his own vomit in the backroom of a nightclub. The arrangement was clean. Neat. Tidy. And for many years, the ideal way for columbian cartels to conduct business. However this rocksolid foundation of money laundering, extortion rackets and intercontinental trafficking and murder was shaken by an earthquake called the National Rugby League.
Unlike their previous clientele, rugby league players are anything but discreet. Since the creation of social media, scandal after scandal has found its way onto the internet showing cocaine and public intoxication horror stories. These have included lewd acts with the family dog, psychotic breaks with reality while standing in the middle of a highway and over 20 players being arrested in a 24 hour period. The cocaine traffickers and growers finally had enough after the most recent string of arrests, calling on Australian authorities to ban the sport, saying that "cricket is better anyway".
Key lieutenants of the Los Machos and Los Rastrojos cartels have already taken to social media, voicing their intentions to boycott export to Australia until such a time that this shameless sport which has ruined their trade is rightfully destoyed. They have additionally encouraged members of the Los Urabeños cartel to follow their example. Current reports indicate they are likely to do so. They have additionally cited: "The world is full of cokeheads, we will simply take our business elsewhere!"
- Phil Rothfield "NRL plans drug-testing blitz during bye rounds in wake of cocaine scandals". Daily Telegraph, May 11, 2017