UnNews:Australia to sanction good parenting

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Australia to sanction good parenting

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5 May 2015

Bedtime story

This sort of thing could soon lead to a jail sentence.

ADELAIDE, Austrailia -- Parliament has drafted legislation to make it a criminal offence for parents to do bedtime reading, answer their child’s questions, feed them healthy food or help them with math.

The bill is based on a study by philosopher Adam Swift that the largest threat to equality to the children of the stupid, ignorant and idle, is parents who are not stupid, ignorant and idle. The study concluded that the children of attentive, loving and responsible parents do better in life than children raised by morons. The study also showed that different families have different children who are into different things, which is also unfair.

Swift said, “One way philosophers might think about solving the social justice problem would be by simply abolishing the family. If the family is this source of unfairness in society, then its abolition would create a more level playing field.

“Of course, a few parents are reluctant to hand their children over to Government to raise them, so I simply suggested legislation against good parenting, to bring society down to a level where everyone can just about push a trolley, order an alcopop or know when to run away from a fight; you know, about the same cognitive level as a Border Collie.”

When questioned about his own upbringing, Swift said, “It is a shame that my parents were very good. I have to live with the indignity of a bucket load of qualifications, a great salary and a comfortable life. I am determined, when I have children, to make sure I get a serious drug habit, turn violent and dump their upbringing and education on the social services as much as possible. It will be a great relief to them when I set the bar so low.

“I want to give my children what I didn’t have, such as lack of attention, fear, loneliness and loathing of success. They can then be average in a society where everyone is equally useless, there is no competition and therefore, everyone is benevolent.”

When asked whether it would be better to legislate against bad parents, where there is already hundreds of years of case law, the philosopher said: “I didn’t think of that, but it is doing the same thing really, just from the other end.”

The legislation — not the first such Modest Proposal under the family name — may also stretch to genetics as, if all children are incapable of a basic career, the advantage will lean towards looks. The University of Adelaide and the Australian Civil Service is investigating compulsory DNA tests for parents wishing to conceive, to ascertain what is known as the “Hollywood Index”. This Index will assess their looks to calculate how good-looking the child will be. For example, if the mother had ginger hair, huge feet and a wall-eye she would score low. The Institute plans to have a set of good-looking, low-intelligence “breeding males” available to would-be mothers, ensuring their child has an equal chance of getting onto “Big Brother”, the cast of “Home and Away” or an IT helpdesk.

Testifying against the bill in the Australian Parliament were the estates of Aldous Huxley, Kurt Vonnegut, and other writers of dystopian science fiction, who claimed that the legislation would ruin the market for their newest box-set of children's short stories: Fates Worse Than Death: An Autobiographical Collage.

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