UnNews:Australia shits itself about Fiji coup

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4 November 2006

Fijistuff

Barrels of fun: Fiji yesterday.

CANBERRA, Australia, GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK). AUSTRALIA shat itself yesterday at the prospect of a yet another military coup in pissant little South Pacific holiday destination Fiji unleashing a trickle of refugees in leaky outrigger canoes pointed at the Great South Land.

Prime Minister John Howard immediately dispatched two state-of-the-art "Kanaka Killer" frigates to the troubled island backwater with orders to sink any maritime conveyance that appeared to be conveying un-Australian asylum seekers. Then he phoned his internal Conservative Party pollster and his dry cleaner.

Australian Immigration Minister Amanda Vanstone said that the unstable political situation in the tiny postcard-producing nation posed a clear and present danger to Australia's border security.

"Honestly, do these selfish, queue-jumping, welfare-scrounging opportunists even stop to consider how much it is going to cost us to lock them up in desert detention camps for five or six years before deporting them at their own expense?" she said.

"The last thing we need is to have our world's-best-practice immigration bureaucracy clogged up by a bunch of fat, diabetic, curly-headed mulattos.

"And who ate all the pies? Oh, I did."

Ms Vanstone's predeceased in the immigration portfolio, Philip Ruddock, a vampire who is Australia's only openly undead cabinet minister, said that he thinks he once read somewhere that some Fijians were Muslims.

"I'm lead to believe, Mr Acting Deputy Speaker," he told Australia's Federal Parliament "That some of these ethnically Indian Fijians are actually Mohammedans, or Mussulmans, to use the more politically correct term. If we're going to start selling uranium to India next week as scheduled I think it's about time the Indians worked out whose side they're really on."

Mr Ruddock discounted suggestions that Fijian women in particular feared another epidemic of ethnic-hatred-motivated rape like the one that followed the last coup.

"Come on, seriously, who'd want to shag a Fijian sheila?," he said. "They're all dumpy bloody bush pigs."

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