UnNews:Aunt Zeituni "self-deports"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Aunt Zeituni "self-deports"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 17:13:UTC)(
11 April 2014
BOSTON, Massachusetts -- Zeituni Onyango, the aunt of President Barack Obama, has "self-deported" at the age of 61, as candidate Mitt Romney predicted many illegal aliens would. Onyango is likely to clear immigration in Purgatory prior to a final border-crossing down the River Styx.
Mr. Romney's novel alternative to rounding up all 10 million illegals was to wait until they got bored living in housing projects and buying steaks, body-piercings, and lap dances with food stamps, and returned to the "Third-world hellholes from which they came." Indeed, Onyango, who came to the U.S. in 2000, and oddly did not leave in 2002 as called for on her visitor's visa, has now gone away without the costly involvement of Immigration agents.
Cleveland attorney Margaret Wong said that Onyango could have been self-supporting, and perhaps even not bitter, if she had been born in America, something that Wong argued for years was America's fault. In court, Wong also advanced the novel theory that Onyango would be at risk of persecution if she returned to Kenya, for having a dope for a nephew.
President George W. Bush, by comparison, got a final chance to show Onyango the door, when the wire services made her illegal residency an issue just before the 2008 election. However, Bush did not take the bait but told Immigration to "stand down," lest anyone think Republicans were not nice people. Candidate John McCain joined the charm offensive by volunteering that Mr. Obama would make a "fine President" and ruining the careers of aides who spoke Mr. Obama's middle name. Oddly, none of it worked.
Even odder, Mr. Obama went nowhere near Boston for the funeral. Instead, he was at Fort Hood. The "Consoler-in-Chief" told soldiers affected by the recent gun massacre that he felt their pain, especially the pain of still being barred from carrying their service weapons on base despite the previous gun massacre.
The Republican Party has dropped all opposition to in-state tuition, Obama-phones, and free medical marijuana for illegals. But it reassures the Tea Party movement that hundreds of illegals will leave the United States on their own every year, just as Ms. Onyango now has.
- Staff "Zeituni Onyango, Obama aunt who lived in US illegally, dies at 61". Fox News, April 9, 2014