UnNews:Aunt Hildred has the cooties
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Aunt Hildred has the cooties
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 5, 2015, 01:18:UTC)(
15 January 2013
Topeka, KANSAS - My Aunt Hildred has the cooties hahahalollol and she spreads them just by touching things at a store or when they fall on the ground. Gross. She's something like 200 years old and smells like burning tires. Her cooties are big round cooties, and they peek their heads out from the strangest places. I saw one yesterday crawling on her neck and upchucked my lunch and even some of my breakfast that was still in there. You should have seen it.
My mom, who always hated Aunt Hildred but has never told her yet (she'll find out right now when she reads this news report hahahaha). "I hate you Hildred" mom always wanted to say and give her the finger, and if Aunt Hildred answered back "Well, I never!!" Mom is prepared to say "Tough titties hahahahaahahaha". Mom says Hildred has always had cooties, even when she was a baby and the crib was full of them, and all her friends knew it too. In high school the boys and teachers all looked the other way when she walked down the hall but they still threw spitballs at her, which the cooties caught.
One time when I was breaking a window at Aunt Hildred's house (yes, it was me, you broken down satinist) I hid and saw her rush out to see who had done it, and she was almost naked, and the cooties were everywhere on her body, swear to god, I don't even know if a blowtorch would do any good. I could try but gross. So now I just want to report to the world that if they want to send an expedition somewhere to capture cooties you know where to go now but bring wipes. This is Johnny reporting for the new UnNews team. Watch for my next report which will give you the lowdown on dog spit.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|