This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
6 June 2007
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It is feared that the man intended to seize control of the Pope and crash him into a public building to cause death and destruction on a scale not seen since 9/11. Security forces across the globe are tightening security around such personages as the British Queen, the Dalai Lama, and Paris Hilton in case they are used in similar attacks in the coming days. It is believed that the US Air Force has received instructions to fire upon any unauthorised world figure coming within two miles of a public building on the mainland US.
Security staff working for the Pope, a man of peace, boundless humility and love, carefully removed the man from the Popemobile and lowered him gently to the ground. He is currently in hospital suffering from several self-inflicted broken bones and mysteriously bruised internal organs.