UnNews:Athlete announces gender reassignment surgery
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Athlete announces gender reassignment surgery
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Monday, August 21, 2017, 04:50:UTC)(
6 May 2015
The announcement occurred last week during an interview on that one show with that one lady on one of the television networks that no one with a life would ever really watch. Jenner claims that he has been preparing for the surgery for several years, including having hormone replacement therapy, breast implants and purchasing several pairs of pumps in very large sizes. He is unsure of the exact date of the surgery, but will have it done after he gets enough from his Go Fund Me campaign.
During the interview, Jenner was questioned about his reasoning behind the change, and he gave two compelling answers.
"Ever since I lost my Wheaties endorsement, I have been having a hard time making ends meet", said Jenner. "There isn't really anywhere I can go where they will pay me to throw a javelin or shot put, or run around a track. I was hoping that as a woman, I could join a class-action lawsuit over problems with trans-vaginal mesh and make a few bucks."
"I also really enjoy wearing skirts and dresses", Jenner continued. "They are really roomy and breathable. However, generally only men from African cultures, and Scots can wear them. Unfortunately, I can't really wear a short kilt because of all my varicose veins, so I prefer the longer type you see in African cultures. But I don't look very African, and I couldn't find anyone willing to do the whole Michael Jackson thing in reverse, so if I want to wear dresses, I need to be a woman."
Jenner asserted in the interview that he is not gay, and is not sexually attracted to men, and never has been. But since his divorce in 2014, he has reportedly had difficulty finding dates, despite being a celebrity. He was turned down for Dancing with the Stars and rumors have it that the reason was because no one was willing to be his partner. There were also several reports that he tried to make a set of exercise videos, but couldn't find women to work with him in the production. This has led some to speculate that he wants to become a woman so he can look at himself in the mirror.
Social reaction to Jenner's decision has been mixed. Miley Cyrus has come out in support of Jenner, but some think otherwise. An unscientific survey collected at a California amusement park provided the following responses.
“Why should I care anything more about what he does than I do about what some plumber in Kansas does?”
“Who's Bruce Jenner?”
“I would rather not discuss such unsavory topics in front of my young children.”
“I really don't have time for unimportant issues like this.”
“He can have species reassignment surgery and become a flamingo for all I care.”
“Just don't show me any 'before and after' photos, please.”
Jenner currently has an endorsement contract with the non-profit organization, Run for the Gold, a group that uses Jenner's likeness to inspire illegal immigrants to "run, jump, and swim to freedom in the United States." No one there could be reached for comment as to whether it will continue the relationship after Jenner's surgery. However, within the "Dreamer" community, few are dreaming of gender reassignment surgery.
- Mary Milken "Olympian Bruce Jenner makes transgender history by identifying as a woman". Reuters, April 25, 2015