UnNews:Atheist converts after Jesus visits her in shower
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
2 June 2012
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM, TEXAS – Cheyenna Richards, of Houston, Texas, who admits she's “not all that,” nevertheless claims that Jesus frequently joins her in the shower. The former atheist, who now describes herself as “a believer,” says that his presence is “creepy,” especially since he died over two thousand years ago.
His presence in her shower has convinced her, she says, that “He is risen.” “I don't want to get too graphic—Unnews is a family web site, after all—but there is undeniable evidence that the Lord has, indeed, risen. Let's just say that, despite his being a couple of millennia old, the Son of God doesn't need Viagra.”
Christians, who believe that Jesus is very much alive, despite his death, are offended by Richards' claims. “The Lord is not a voyeur,” Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale declared.
According to the newly converted Richards, however, Jesus seems interested in seeing her naked. “He appears as I enter the shower, and he stays with me the whole time that I'm there, watching me.” She says that Jesus appears in the form of mold. Like her, he is also naked, in an “ithyphallic state.”
The “blessed sight” is “stirring,” Richards says. “It's very exciting—in a spiritual way.”
The holy fungus began to grow a few months ago, but it has only taken on the appearance of “the Son of God” within the past month or so, Richards says. “The last time God appeared to a naked woman, besides Eve, was when he fathered Jesus,” she points out. So far, however, her home pregnancy tests have been negative. “Still, it is awesome that the Lord has taken such a personal interest in me and is watching over me,” she adds. “It's very inspiring.”
The Reverend Dimmesdale has an alternate explanation for the mold: “Satan, as an angel of light, is able to deceive even the elect.” The conduct of the peeping tom who allegedly appears in Richards' shower stall while she bathes is more like the behavior of the devil, the pastor thinks, than like the behavior of the Son of God. “I'd say she's possessed—or, at least, her shower stall is possessed.”
The pastor has offered, he said, to conduct an exorcism on Richards' behalf or, if it is her house rather than she herself that his haunted, “a cleansing ceremony.”
Shrinks Psychologists have offered another explanation for the phenomenon that Richards reports. A study conducted last year at Northwestern University suggests that “humans are wired to look for familiarity and meaning in the most abstract squiggles.” In this study, ten volunteers studied “squiggles while lying under a brain scanner.” Subsequent, they described the meaningless doodles as “faces or animals or something else that was meaningful to them.” According to the scientist psychologist who led the study, Dr. Hugh Mann, this tendency “may explain why” Richards sees “Jesus” in “her shower mold.”
It would also explain the Messiah's appearance in many other, equally mundane objects, such as toast, scrambled eggs, cliffs, sales receipts, Jello, towels, pizza pies, fish sticks, bread, tortillas, household appliances, window panes, chocolate bars, sheets, plaster, frying pan grease, and tattoos.
Dr. Mann also has some advice for Richards as to how to remove the mold: “Rubber gloves, a face mask, chlorine bleach, and a soft-bristle scrub brush should do the trick, although some people use hydrogen peroxide, vinegar, or baking soda.”
Richards has a different theory, though, to explain these numerous appearances of her Savior in diverse locations: “God is omnipresent,” she says.