|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
4 February 2010
JACKSONVILLE, Florida - As faithful Jacksonville Jaguars fans eagerly await the promised second coming of the messiah this draft season, there is one self-righteous player on the team attempting to undermine the faith by outspokenly rejecting the savior's divinity and denying the One True Path to Jaguars salvation.
Tim Tebow, the Heissman Trophy winning immaculate Florida Gator, has promised to bring the Light of Truth to the small NFL community, starved for a savior since its conception in the Year of Our Tebow 8. But foreign-born possibly Islamic-named Offensive Lineman Uche Nwareni has raised his blasphemous voice against the Jaguar Spirit, saying the messiah is not infallible. "He can't throw," said the staunch anti-Tebowist. "Period." He continued, using arcane, possibly heretical language that the over-intellectual faithless often turn to in order to obfuscate their unholy message. "He can't read any coverage other than probably cover two or man. Plus, the QB Wildcat will not work in this league. Period." Whatever that means, it is clear that darkness has overtaken his soul and sin and error are his master.
Women of the faith were aghast, as their love for Tebow the Christ is often equal to their infatuation for Tebow the Handsome Kid as well as their faith in Tebow the Omnipotent Savior. Despite Nwareni's atheist stance, however, the advent of the Tebow Christ is certain to fill the Jaguar Stadium pews with the faithful, so Jaguar clergy are unanimously in favor of drafting and signing Tebow the player. It is a spiritual certainty that the Tim shall set us free, and the blasphemy of the faithless will not cause these little Jaguars to stray from the Path of Light and Truth, and verily the Lombardi Trophy shall be theirs.
- Hoilly Anderson "Truly, the antichrist hath appeared, friends. Truly, the end draweth nigh.". Yahoo! Sports, February 3, YOT 23