Astronomers to Rename Embarrassing Planet

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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5 July 2006

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Ass-tronomers decide this might not be a great name for a planet.

GREENWICH, England -- The Royal Society of Astronomers, in cooperation with the International Association of Planetary Scientists, announced today that they will officially rename the planet Uranus, in an effort to once and for all put a stop to the stupid puns and bad jokes the name has generated since it was first discovered by Sir William Hershel in 1781.

"Hershel, in his memoirs, said the name was simply a joke that got out of hand," said Prof. Niles Winnington, current head of the Royal Society of Astronomers. "We hope to finally correct the problem and restore some sense of dignity to the planet."

Uranus is actually the name of the Greek God of the Heavens, but that bit of information has long since been overshadowed by the deluge of scatological puns and jokes made to associate the planet with every conceivable combination of shit-encrusted, alien and diseased anuses, buttholes, and rectums. Repeated attempts to stress the first syllable of the name (i.e., "YOO-run-us") have been consistently unsuccessful. Even if these attempts had been successful, new puns would have arisen involving "Urine".

The Society expects total replacement of the name in school textbooks and websites to take at least five years, after which the planet will only be officially referred to by its new name, "Vaginal Puswarts."

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