UnNews:Asteroid will miss Earth says President T.Rex
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Asteroid will miss Earth says President T.Rex
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 04:32:UTC)(
8 February 2013
LAURASIA, Earth 66 Million Years BC --
President T.Rex has appeared on a very large rock to assure his fellow giant lizards that stories about an asteroid colliding with Earth is 'old Brontosaurus poo'. In a wide ranging speech about his government's plans to tackle the 'Mammalian immigration', 'tectonic plate shifting' and the 'Fiscal Cliff', President Rex turned his attention to reports that the everyone was going to die.
"I can assure you my dinosaur Kin , there isn't the remotest chance that we are going to run into any silly little rock dating back to the birth of the Solar System. I have asked around and with the exception of the stubborn Triceratops contingent, tomorrow will be like any other day. So if your position in the food chain is hunter or the hunted, I can tell you to go back into the forests and carry on. I will naturally monitor events from this rock. If I see anything that deserves our collective attention, I will let out a huge roar."
President Rex said he had the brightest dinosaur brains in the Laurasian Senate working on a contingency plan if some 'fragments' made it their way towards the planet. He and his government had already built a large stone chamber to 'carry on' if the asteroid changed direction and 'glanced past'.
"Now there is no need for any 'saur' to stomp about like a Stegosaurus with the shits. I know some of you who now birds and crocodiles have made your own panic arrangements and the purple reptiles called Barney are moving into the gift toy market but let us keep this in proportion. Who shed tears when there was problem back in the Permian era which got rid of those huge useless amphibians and those reptiles that grew fur and developed nipples to evolve into those rodent-faced Mammals..yes? Dinosaurs are the Chosen Species."