UnNews:Assignment has Temp working for an asshole

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5 February 2008

Gollumboss

Every temp has worked for Mr. Gollum at some time or another.

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin (UNN) – Joan Shattuck, an employee of Temporarily Yours – a staffing agency specializing in temporary job placement – has found that her current placement with Mr. Mike Johnson, head of the Education Department for a trade association, has her working “for a complete asshole.”

Moreover, Shattuck, who has a Masters in Art History from University of Chicago claims that her supervisor on the outplacement is the exact twin of Gollum, the man-breast from J. R. R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy.

“Gollum (Johnson) has this one finger that has the nail growing of the tip of the finger. And he clips his nails in his office. He swishes mouthwash and spits in the garbage can. He’s just plain nasty.”

Shattuck also finds Johnson direction confusing.

“The other day he asked me to pull a document from 2001, and when I told him it wasn’t in the file, he said to check deep storage,” Ms. Shattuck related. “When I told him I already had and that there was no record of the document there or in off site storage he called me a ‘liar’. When I showed him the shredding manifest showing the document in question was destroyed he got the smirk on his face and tells me that I don’t know what I am doing.”

After asking another employee about the document and having Ms. Shattuck’s story corroborated he just looked at me and told me to get another project, previously due in two weeks, completed in ten minutes. He wanted 1,000 copies made in ten minutes. What an asshole!”

When asked about Ms. Shattuck, Johnson said “She’s a nice enough gal. I’m a hands-off type of manager. I have no idea how things get done, that’s why I have good people around me,” adding that “she seems like a bright young lady, but that’s not what the job calls for.”

Still Johnson insists that his temp sit in meetings and take notes. "He hates my notes, but when I asked how he wanted them improved, he said that he wanted minutes," said Shattuck. "When I delivered the notes in minutes format, he said that they shouldn't be in "minute" format. What the fuck?" I just want this freak to make up his God Damn mind and stop with the mind games!

“I can understand that being a “temp” means that you are on the low rung of the office chain, but this guy thinks that he can shit on me as well!” said a frustrated Shattuck. "I’m not doing this because it’s a lark – I have to pay the rent, but this guy makes living in a cardboard box look good."

Shattuck's placement is expected to run through June 2008, when the regular job holder Virginia Hamm is set to return to work. Doctors claim that over the past five years that she has exhausted all of the possible surgical, emotional and familial reasons for missing work and that its time for her to go return to her job working for Johnson.

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