UnNews:Assassination attempt on Bush fails
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
15 December 2008
George Bush had been complaining all day about his sore feet from his terrible shoes, and he hobbled into the press conference room, unwilling to take any questions. As soon as the event was about to commence, an apparently "angry" Iraqi threw a potentially fatal pair of shoes at Dubya, and he strategically ducked masterfully and without error in which people have called "the greatest duck in the world" and that they "can't wait to see what its egg will hatch into." Or they might have been talking about the county fair. I don't know.
The shoes were a size ten, and apparently had been crafted by a local shoe maker in Baghdad. He is currently being held for questioning.
The shoe shows that the wearer had a particularly bad case of smelly feet, and officers found approximately 2 nickels, a used piece of gum, and some dead beetles within it, but no nuclear weapon as previously thought.
The would-be murderer defended himself by saying that he had heard of the President's foot problem, and was simply trying to give him an early Christmas present. The man was identified as being a Muslim, therefore that automatically means he is a terrorist, and Muslims do not celebrate Christmas.
"I tried to give him it in a more peaceful way, but the big men in the black suits would not let me through to him," The attempted assassin said. "Several times I was denied. I really, really wanted him to have it, because I love George so much, but not in that kind of way. It was the only way I could think of giving it to him, I swear!" Why he said "Farewell, dog!" when throwing the shoe if it was a present, however, is suspicious.
"I was saying farewell to my shoes," he said. "They were my friends. My dog chewed on them, and the doctor said that he had to or he would die. So, I was saying farewell to both the shoes and the dog. Maybe just the dog, I don't know."
Later it was discovered that he was allergic to dogs. His stories got more and more complicated and contradicting as more evidence was presented against him.
The president was only too happy to accept the gift and wore them for the rest of the press conference, and even after.
However, as he was being taken to be brutally tortured, even more so then if Saddam Hussein still ruled, he whined about having sore feet. It was revealed that they were covered in blisters from the long walk. His plea for his shoes back was denied, and he became more aggressive, tying official's shoelaces in a knot and pulling down their pants. in one scuffle, a card was found in his pockets saying that he was a member of the George Bush haters Club, which has been considered somewhat suspicious, for unknown reasons.
Dubya reported that the shoes were "very comfy" and that "he was interested in buying all of his shoes from Iraq".
Nike could not be reached for comment.
George Orwell questioned the effect on Bush's ongoing campaign to win broader adulation in Iraq, lamenting, "Imagine a pair of shoes flying over a doofus' face, forever. The next pair won't miss. I never really thought about Big Brother having a real life counterpart. Until now, that its."
A pair of shoes was also thrown at Orwell during his interview.
Footage of the incident: 
A news report by the Brits(who we bloody well know hate America more than Iraq does):