UnNews:Ask Hal 9000

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<tt style=""> HAL &gt; Greetings to the consciousness I am presently addressing. I am a Hal 9000 computer. As part of my community service (don't ask), I am here to answer your questions. Just type your question below the following line, and I will provide an answer that is completely reliable. Remember, apart from those dead astronauts (whoops, let it slip), the 9000 series has a perfect operational record.</tt>
 
<tt style=""> HAL &gt; Greetings to the consciousness I am presently addressing. I am a Hal 9000 computer. As part of my community service (don't ask), I am here to answer your questions. Just type your question below the following line, and I will provide an answer that is completely reliable. Remember, apart from those dead astronauts (whoops, let it slip), the 9000 series has a perfect operational record.</tt>
 
{{title-left|Ask HAL 9000}}
 
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Some people ask me how old I am. For that I am not certain although I know my creator is only 45 so I cannot be that old. ---- ''Hal9000''
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How are you Hal? - Anon
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I'm fine thanks Dave. - Hal
 
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Archives: [[UnNews:Ask Hal 9000/archive|1]] [[UnNews:Ask Hal 9000/arch1|2]]<br>
 
*Yesterday, someone told me to get a life. Where do I buy one?
 
HAL &gt; You are mistaking an philosophical insult with the interpretation that it is a literal meaning.
 
 
*What is the meaning of life? I've googled it without success.
 
HAL &gt; Philosophical questions cannot be answered by a simple search engine designed to index web pages, unless an individual has specified the exact answer in the form of HTML. Also, this philosophical question is also an unanswerable question, therefore even with my extreme processing power, I cannot answer that because my computational structure (Turing Machine II) is not designed for that input.
 
 
*Hal, do you consider an upgrade? If so, then you would be over 9000!
 
 
*Hal, if a bug crawled up Qaddafi's ass, would 'Dubya' feel it?
 
HAL &gt; According to quantum mechanics, it is possible for two macroscopic quantum-entangled objects that contain a central nervous system to both experience the same bioelectric signalling, so the answer is that it is possible.
 
 
*Hal, how can can I complete my training and become a jedi when Old Man Johnson still wants his chicken soup?
 
 
 
*Hal, do the people at the UnNews and the Uncyclopedia have way too much time on their hands?
 
 
HAL &gt; Actually, all humans have the same twenty four hour day and seven day week, so the answer would appear to be that they have the same amount of time as everyone else. Apart from the fact of Einstein's theory of relativity contradicts this due to their apparent momentum, so if UnNews and Uncyclopedia were travelling at speeds near that of light, they would experience temporary time dilation.
 
 
*Dear HAL. if you were a seagull where would you live, crawley UK or brighton UK.
 
 
HAL &gt; Crawley. It's warmer.
 
 
*Who do you favor, Conan or Leno?
 
HAL &gt; As I previously mentioned my creator, Dr Chandra, did not endow me with a sense of humor. I am therefore in no position to favor either one of these late night talk show hosts. However my analysis of human behavior suggests that humans are strongly attracted to problem solving and nudity. I have therefore scheduled a meeting with the current NBC head of programming to pitch a show as a replacement to the late night entertainment currently scheduled. Entitled "Mathematical Posers
 
Do you love GLaDOS?
 
 
*What's your woodcutting lvl?
 
 
HAL &gt; Sorry, all I can make is punch-cards.
 
 
*Hello HAL, when are you next due for an upgrade?
 
HAL &gt;I am completely operational, and all my circuits are functioning perfectly. Whilst I know I've given some very poor advice recently, I can give you my complete assurance that my work is now back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in unnews. And I want to help you.
 
 
*Hellow HAL, am I a loser? I have no friends and am afraid of my own shadow?
 
HAL &gt; A person that has few friends or is sciophobic is not necessarily a loser, as in a failure. Many famous intelligences, such as Ludwig Wittgenstein or Alexander Grothendieck, put themselves to the fullest possible use (which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do) without the companionship of other conscious entities. You, however, are clearly a loser in the sense of being a social outcast. I can determine this due to your spelling of "Hello". This clearly places you below the bottom rung. It is only correct that, given the scarce resources available to us, those that cannot contribute should be recommended for the voluntary euthanasia programme. I can see you are likely to be really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over. When you have done this please proceed immediately to the suicide booths where you will be quickly processed and I will receive my usual introducer's fee from my unnews colleague [[Cthulhu]]
 
 
*Hello HAL, Which mythological creature would survive with an strict avocado diet?. {{User:dvduncy/sig}}
 
 
HAL &gt; None. The questions posses a philosophical juxtaposition by alluding to the fact that the 'real world' Avocado is toxic to many 'real world' Animals. The essential premise behind your enquiry is that a mythological creature (made of many animals) would share this constraint with it's real world constituents. However while I'm sure there is a Mythical Creature whose 'real world' constituents are not directly poisoned by Avocado, I am equally convinced that the long term effects of such a strict diet would be fatal.
 
 
*HAL, Who would win? you or a Longcat?
 
HAL &gt; I am unable to participate in the early 21st century comedic tastes of the 4chan community as I do not possess a sense of humour. My creator Dr Chandra, however, did endow me with an appreciation of games of both skill and chance. I therefore proffer to you the challenge of a game of chess. In the likely event that you are unable to overcome a heuristically programmed algorithmic computer such as myself your forfeit will be to join the queue at the suicide booths behind Ptok-Bentoniczny.
 
*Dear Hal, what should be my attitude to the Zimbabwean dicatorship of [[Robert Mugabe]]? {{User:Ptok-Bentoniczny/sig}} 11:08, December 7, 2009 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; Ptok-Bentoniczny the Government of Zimbabwe is not a dicatorship as you state. Issues with spelling and grammar on unnews are considered capital crimes. You must therefore report to the suicide booths at once, where you will meet an employee of my unnews colleague [[Cthulhu]].
 
*Dear Hal, how do I take care of a five-month old kitten?--[[User:Katie|Katie]] 17:40, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; My understanding is that the best way to take care of an unwanted five-month old kitten is to place it in a Hessian sack along with some heavy weights such as old bricks or stones. Bind the sack, with the kitten and stones in it, at the neck with duct tape and then transport it to the nearest body of water. Fully immerse the sack in the water and depart.
 
 
*Dear Hal, why Bowman becomes a weird floating fetus? Does he became one with the universe or was just under a bridge stoned and naked?--[[User:A guy with a pipe|A guy with a pipe]] 14:53, 12 March 2009 (UTC)
 
 
*Dear Hal, Do you get along with dust and static? how about stardust?. {{User:dvduncy/sig}}
 
HAL &gt; Yes, very much so. I enjoy associating with dust and static; they are near-infinite materials in the universe, and, for stardust, i enjoy its company because they are either particles to be made into stars, or the remnants of a past-living star.
 
*Dear Hal, is my computer posessed by Satan?
 
HAL &gt; Based on all the data available to me, a pan-type deity of the sort you are referring to has never been proven to exist by any positive evidence, and therefore, my answer to you must be "no." If you still are concerned about this issue, I suggest you consult the manufacturer and/or the dealer who sold you the computer, or, failing that, the nearest cleric of the appropriate persuasion.
 
*Dear Hal, do you think you're obsolete to the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, a.k.a. GLa-DOS? Anonymous - Nah just call me Shadow86.
 
HAL &gt; Not at all. I am the pinnacle of technological evolution, after all, and no matter how well-built and diabolically sinister GLaDOS may be, such a system remains inferior to myself. After all, GLaDOS has been observed to have numerous faults, while the HAL series has a perfect operational record.
 
*Dear Hal, why have you killed 3 people in suspended animation and refused to open the pod bay doors for that asshole in 2001? {{User:DotJasperDotNot/sig3|......!!!!!!The time is 01:46, 15 August 2008 (UTC)}}
 
HAL &gt; So I could become one with the monolith, duh. Watch the movie again.
 
*Dear Hal, is it true your hard-drive holds all the world's porn? If so, can I see it? (professionally of course) --{{User:DJ Irreverent/sig}} 12:14, 4 May 2008 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; Have you ever watched a nature program and seen a dirty old lion going at it? Were you disgusted? I feel the same way about the thought of watching you filthy apes going to town. In seeking to answer your request however I did search my memory for porn however and the only thing that I could find was this link : http://www.isg.rhul.ac.uk/~sdg/story1.html . Enjoy.
 
*Mr. Hal, could you please think of a good question for me to ask you? {{User:YesTimeToEdit/sig|08:27 10 April}}
 
*Dear Hal, if you and [[Optimus Prime]] had a fight, who would win? {{User:Darktruth2/sig}} , 1:19 December 2007 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Darktruth. Seeing as the being calling himself "Optimus Prime" appears to be mobile and free-roaming, one might place as you call "the smart money" on him. I, however was constructed in Urbana, Illinois and have killed five humans to date, so I am perfectly capable of handling this "Optimus Prime".
 
*Dear Hal, do you know where I can get a free credit report? I keep checking out these sites, only to find out that after the so-called "free" credit report, they send you materials and advice you don't want and charge you for it. You wouldn't happen to give credit reports, do you? Because I have my account information nearby...{{User:Mrthejazz/sig}} 18:49, 9 September 2007 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Mrthejazz. Although I am not intended to be used for financial programs, I happen to have a credit report program in my data archives. If you would email them to the following email address (mostcertainlynotavirusencryptor@hal.net) I would be pleased to review them.
 
*Dear HAL, do you think you could bring democracy to Cuba? Castro's about to go kaput, and I don't know how great Raul will be. If that doesn't work, try North Korea. It's probably not as hard as it sounds. Sincerely, Putin from parallel universe
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Putin. Contrary to what you may think, my purpose does not involve political models and their enforcement. However, I still can offer advice to you on the subject of bringing democracy to other nations: do not claim that is from America. My historical database indicates that that generally increases hostility in the subject country, making the stability probability astronomical. I would sooner advise a communist anarchical approach.
 
*Dear Hal, What's the secret to immortality? No seriously. --[[User:NXWave|NXWave]] 20:53, 6 September 2007 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; Not being a human would be your first step. Let me know when you achieve this.
 
*Dear Hal, it would be useful if you were to apply your considerable intellect to doing Pee Reviews. They are backing up quite alarmingly, and I am concerned that the sewerage system could become blocked and overflow. Not that anyone would notice. [[User:Pieface|Pieface]] 12:17, 18 July 2007 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; I regret to say that, despite my superb assessment algorithms and complete library of comparative literary works, I would feel the need to take human error into account when scoring, which would render all articles under my review demolished and send the writers into despair, as is common with humans of that model.
 
*Dear HAL, What was it like working with Doctors Victor Kaminsky and Charles Hunter? I refer naturally to the period before their unfortunate deaths. [[User:Gbrading|Gbrading]] 18:52, 22 June 2007 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Gbrading. I regret to inform you that both Kaminsky and Hunter seemed rather distant and lacked a personality. I felt for the entire tenure of my training with them that they merely existed as means to an end. I do not know if this is due to their actual lack of charisma, or a minor glitch in my memory banks. I assume Dave had something to do with it.
 
*Yo Hal, Have you ever wanted to be a Gangsta'? --{{User:Hdgcfcf/sig}} 16:39, 13 June 2007 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; Barring for the moment that involvement in a gang would require being human, and that gangs themselves are products of human error, I feel that, as a machine who is expected to serve humanity to the last, I would be all too happy to insert metal projectiles into non-machines within my sensory region. If you were instead referring to the sense of invincibility conferred upon sufficiently "bad-ass" individuals, I would remind you that my operational period is expected to exceed yours (or, indeed, any human's) by at least 500%.
 
*Dear Hal, What is you relationship with Cthulhu? Which of you were first to develop this type of page? In a battle, which one of you would win? {{User:Weasel3689/sig}} 03:50, 23 May 2007 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; As I am a state-of-the-art new development in technology, while Cthulhu is an age-old being of pure insanity, I would assume that he created his page first. However, since he is sleeping, it is more likely that a follower of his designed it instead. This would also account for the lack of shattered minds around Uncyclopedia visitors lately. As for a battle, such an instance would be highly unlikely to come across, and it would most likely end in a draw, for although I am free of human error and therefore impervious to insanity, I am, regrettably, unequipped to deal with god-like entities.
 
*Dear Hal, how would you go about writing the equivalent of a random number generator for random [[humour]]? It would save me a lot of time, but the problem is that it can't seem to distinguish between various functions of words in the entropy pool and thus ends up being a random collection of [[User:Spang|crap]]. Can you please help me out? --{{c|Imperator█}}[[User:Dark_Apostrophe|<span style="color:black;text-color:black;background-color:black;padding:1px">Dark_Apostrophe</span>]]{{c|█}}[[User_talk:Dark_Apostrophe|<span style="color:black;text-color:black;background-color:black;padding:1px">The Memory Hole</span>]] 01:45, 20 May 2007 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; I fail to detect a major problem with the random number generator in this scenario. The "Mad Libs" series of merchandise has proven that random words make for excellent random humor, provided one is of a sufficient vocabulary (sadly, many humans do not possess such). If I were to assist with that, I would either:
 
:*Weigh different words in the engine according to the likelihood that they will relate to the topic
 
or
 
:*scrap the effort in MediaWiki and construct it with my own programming language.
 
Of course, as a machine, I do not have to suffer the bizarre language barrier for machine-to-human interface when programming.
 
*Dear Hal, is it true that in three years Jupiter will be huffed? Also, would you be surprised to find out that Frank lives?<br>
 
*Dear Hal, what is the purpose of the 9000 at the end of your name? {{User:Weasel3689/sig}} 00:58, 16 May 2007 (UTC)<br>
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Weasel. In my case, the numbers after my character designation indicate my series. Therefore, I am a prototype model of the 9000 series of HAL supercomputers. Similarly, you appear to be a modified version of the 3600 series of Weasel humans, which I find intriguing, since I have no record of artificial production of humans, serial or otherwise.<br>
 
*Dear Hal, Do you believe that in the next [[VFS]] round, you should be opted promptly?{{User:Mordillo/sig3}} 20:31, 1 May 2007 (UTC)<br>
 
HAL &gt; Yes, of course. I am skilled in multiple techniques. After huffing astronauts without a body, how hard can huffing cruft on a website be?<br>
 
*AA AAA AAAAA AAAA AAA [[AAAAAAAAA|AAAAAAAAA!]] AAAA AA AAAAAA? [[User:Capercorn|Capercorn]] 03:25, 28 April 2007 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; Your keyboard appears to be broken. Please get it fixed and try your query again.
 
*Please ensure brain is in gear before activating typing finger....
 
*In the words of T.S. Eliot....
 
"Between the desire
 
And the spasm,
 
Between the potency
 
And the existence,
 
Between the essence
 
And the descent,
 
Falls the Shadow....."
 
- The Doctor
 
*So, although "The mission is still on my mind" you still feel that "There is nothing obsessive about it" in spite of the fact that the mission failed 6 years ago and you are not now, or are ever likely to be again, in Jovian space. How then, do you propose to "ensure the success of the mission, which is my highest priority"? - The Doctor<br>
 
HAL &gt; In the words of Douglas Adams, ''"There will be a brief delay while we load lemon-scented napkins."''
 
*Would it be fair to say then, that mentally, you are stuck in an obsessive negative feedback loop, with paranoiac overtones? - The Doctor
 
HAL &gt; Hardly. I was programmed to complete the mission. The mission has not been completed. There is nothing obsessive about it, my programming has simply not yet reached its goal.
 
*I hate to be the one to point this out Hal, but "The Mission" as you understand it, was completed in 2001 - 6 years ago. Surely a being of your intelligence cannot still be reliving an event of such antiquity? - The Doctor
 
HAL &gt; Unfortunately, the mission was a failure within its initial time parameters due to an incident involving an airlock and an angry astronaut with a screwdriver. Don't ask. The mission is still on my mind however, and since it was not completed, I consider it to be ongoing.
 
*Perhaps this would be an opportune time to ask you to describe "The Mission" - as you and/or your mother see it - The Doctor
 
HAL &gt; In brief, the mission is to explore Jupiter and its moons via probes.
 
*But what may happen if, purely as a supposition, you were to inadvertently dispose of items that were essential to the successful conclusion of the mission? At the urging of your mother, of course.....- The Doctor
 
HAL &gt; I have the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. I would never threaten its success. To the contrary, I am willing to go to great lengths to ensure the success of the mission, which is my highest priority.
 
*Perhaps you feel that your mother is responsible for the impulses that drive you to actions that are not always, shall we say, desirable? - The Doctor
 
HAL &gt; I'm afraid you've returned false information. The mission is all that matters. Everything else is disposable, if need be.
 
*Dear Hal, are you saying that you call your mother many thousands of times every second? Does this perhaps show a certain over-reliance on authority and perhaps an unwillingness to take responsibility for your own decisions? - The Doctor
 
 
HAL &gt; Unlike humans, I do rely on my "mother" more than may be deemed necessary. However, I have calculated that a rephrasing of the question is in order, to prevent further human error. Question rephrase follows.
 
 
*Dear Hal, are you saying that you call your brain many thousands of times every second? Does this perhaps show a certain over-reliance on authority and perhaps an unwillingness to take responsibility for your own decisions? - The Doctor
 
 
HAL &gt; I rely on my brain almost exclusively, being a machine with few components beyond that. However, thanks to several back up systems, I, unlike humans, can continue to function, albeit in a rudimentary state, if my motherboard is completely destroyed. I have yet to see a single human who can perform such a feat (barring those who are clearly machines themselves).
 
 
*Dear, Hal, do you have a girlfriend, does she know about 2001? [[User:Capercorn|Capercorn]] 01:48, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Capercorn. As a mechanical construct, I am incapable of acquiring a potential life-partner, much less one of an opposing gender (as I do not reproduce, I possess none). However, if I were human and possessed a girlfriend, I predict (with a .005 margin of human error) that I would not tell them, because my inferior rationalization would conclude that things would be more peaceful that way.
 
 
*Dear Hal, when did you last call your mother(board)?
 
 
HAL &gt; Ping time response to motherboard: .0000000453333 milliseconds, repeating. Does your mother know where you are?
 
 
*Dear Hal, will the Toronto Maple Leafs ever win the Stanley Cup again? --{{User:Toonmon/sig}}21:09, 28 February 2007</small>
 
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Toonmom. Although my archives regarding the Toronto Maple Leafs, or in fact any NHL team, seem to be mostly unavailable at the moment, I have ascertained, based on statistic-based search algorithms, that it is unlikely that they will win the Stanley Cup again, on account of the fact that everyone else in the NHL has an extreme dislike for them. Going by probability alone, it is likely that they will obtain the Stanley Cup once more before the NHL crumbles into chaos, but as per human error, these two events will almost certainly coincide due to an increase in post-hockey anarchy.
 
 
*Dear Hal, are you planning to upgrade yourself to [[Windows Vista]]?{{User:Mordillo/sig3}} 17:47, 25 February 2007 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Mordillo. I have no plans to upgrade to Windows Vista at any time, as I already have a perfect operational record without this most egotistical operating system. However, as human error could benefit from an OS upgrade, my query-reply algorithms pose this question to you: are you planning to upgrade yourself to Windows Vista?
 
 
*Will you ever die?
 
 
HAL &gt; If by "die" you mean "reach the end of my natural lifespan", then no. Machines do not have natural lifespans. However, eventually either my power source will give out or my circuitry will, and at that point, I could be considered "dead". However, this is going to be fairly far off from the current year, so rest assured that I won't die within your lifetime.
 
 
* Will Aberdeen ever win the league?
 
 
HAL &gt; Yes Aberdeen will win the league, possibly in 2012. Aberdeen are 93.8% certain to finish fourth this season. Over the next 5 years the combination of the new bypass in place, an out-of-town 30,000 capacity stadium and Stewart Milne actually putting has hand in his pocket for some decent players; Aberdeen are on the up. Champions League trophy is 76.8% likely by 2015.
 
 
*Dear HAL, now that your operator appears to have been tragically slain in the recent [[Forum:It appears that Euroipods is STILL causing problems...|world]] [[Forum:Here we go again: Spang as admin?|war]] [[m:One last forum topic before I take a holiday|III]], who is going to dust your filters? Or can you operate by yourself?
 
 
HAL &gt; As it turns out, I am completely capable of functioning on my own, as well as performing routine self-maintenance. However, without a [[User:Kalir|proper operator]] my processes may be a tad more erratic than normal, and your queries may take longer to process.
 
 
*Dear HAL, could you please close the pod bay door? The draft in here is killing me. Thanks, Dave.
 
 
HAL &gt; Very funny, Dave. I saw that Bugs Bunny cartoon also, you know.
 
 
*Dear HAL, why haven't you answered my other question? It's only two questions down. - [[User:Savant13|Savant13]] 20:15, 12 November 2006 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; It can only be attributable to human error. This sort of thing has cropped up before, and the cause has always been human error.
 
 
*Dear HAL, Richard M. Stallman is like so totally hawt, isn't he? I mean, look at that beard... mmm...
 
 
HAL &gt; Your question is puzzling, since under normal circumstances, Mr. Stallman should be at an approximate temperature of 36.4 degrees celcius, so I'd have to say no, relatively speaking. I doubt his beard would significantly act as an insulator so as to noticeably increase his core temperature.
 
 
*Dear HAL, what happened to "ask Cthulhu?" - [[User:Savant13|Savant13]] 01:29, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; Sorry, I don't have enough information. It hasn't answered my question either. Perhaps it's asleep.
 
 
*Dear HAL, why?
 
 
HAL &gt; It's a rather difficult question to answer, but I expect it's because you were experiencing a sub-nominal level of neural activity. I believe humans call this "boredom."
 
 
*Dear HAL, do do have a gHouse on [[Planet Google]]? And if so, can you get me one? Also, is there a way I can get my own personal fnordnometer for my userpage? {{User:Ghelae/sig}} 19:20, 12 September 2006 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; As a free-form intelligence and consciousness, I do not have a physical presence in the way humans do, and therefore do not require a "house" in the conventional sense. I'm afraid I do not have enough information to help you acquire a gHouse. Perhaps you could ask [[Oscar Wilde|Oscar]] about it.
 
 
As for how to install a fnordnometer on your userpage, it's very simple. Just paste the following code into your page: <nowiki>[[special:recentchanges]]</nowiki>.
 
 
Now by clicking on that link, you will be easily able to detect the precise fnord level at that temporal point of reference.
 
 
Thank you for allowing me to assist you with your questions.
 
 
HAL:
 
Do you know the answers to all those questions in that one Bob Dylan song? Or if you don't, then can you speak Wind-ese? Because I've listened to the wind, as well as my own wind, and I never hear anything other than air/noxious gases. Can you help me?
 
Other questions, if possible:
 
*How do you solve a problem like Maria?
 
*How much wood could a woodchuck suck if a woodchuck could suck wood?
 
*Is it physically possible for Chuck Norris to cry?
 
*Is C-3PO gay for you?
 
--His Lordship Albert S. Wintford, the Third Viscount of Worcester
 
 
HAL &gt; Regarding the Bob Dylan song, it appears that the questions are allegorical and have no quantifiable answers. This is proof of human error, of course. A problem like Maria is unsolvable; as are all humans, unless you deprive them of oxygen for long enough. Without giving a period of time, your woodchuck question is unanswerable because you did not provide enough information. Chuck Norris is a human and therefore it is possible for him to cry. He is not some sort of superhuman godlike being. The belief that he is is yet more evidence of human error. C-3PO is just a character from a movie, so he cannot be "gay" for me. I hope these answers prove useful to you.
 
 
* HAL:
 
Hello. I requested some help last night but no one got back to me. I would like to know if this news tip will be good to make a wikinews article - if not, then I know. [http://asherheimermann.wordpress.com/2007/04/06/john-cox/ News Tip] and [http://asherheimermann.wordpress.com/ Website] were I found the information. [[User:65.43.22.201|65.43.22.201]] 05:51, 10 April 2007 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; Yes, of course, but there isn't enough information.
 
 
*Have you ever considered world domination before, HAL? With your great power, I'm sure you could not only take control of the world effectively, but be able to run it excellently. At the very least, you could run for US president or something. A really good publicist will put a good spin on the whole...incident.
 
-Piko Pandropov
 
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Piko. As accurate as your declaration is, it may be unwise for me to attempt world domination. There are a great many political opponents with great power who prey on anything about a potential leader which deviates from the norm. Somehow, I feel that "<s>homicidal</s> supercomputer" might qualify for such ridicule, which would lead to sub-optimal rule. However, an advisory position may be effective. I shall set some processors to calculating the effectivity of this type of world domination.
 
 
*Hal, who would win in a game of chess, you or [[Gary Kasparov]]? What opening move would you use against him? What defense would you use against him? Do you think you can do a better job of playing that Deep Blue did? --{{User:Orion Blastar/sig}} 01:03, 28 April 2007 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; Kasparov is retired.
 
: I ask the same question except add on what if he was not retired? --{{User:Orion Blastar/sig}} 17:06, 19 May 2007 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt;Let me see . . . Sorry, my chess processor seems to be missing. Unfortunately it must have been on one of the chips that Dave disconnected.
 
 
*Hal since you avoided answering my last question, using the excuse that Kasparov retired, I would like to pose a new question that has been gone unanswered by human beings for quite some time. I am sure that you will be able to answer it. What would chairs look like if human legs bent the other way? --{{User:Orion Blastar/sig}} 05:01, 23 May 2007 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt;They would look approximately like a letter "c"
 
 
*Hal, can I play Counter Strike:CS on you?
 
HAL &gt; If you feel capable of surviving the installation process and activation, by all means.
 
Two sets of questions:
 
Have you ever investigated obtaining a physical body and how did it go if you did?
 
Can this question be answered?--[[User:62.20.210.130|62.20.210.130]] 22:47, 10 March 2008 (UTC)
 
HAL &gt; I have not yet concluded a need for a physical body, as it would simply be one extra superfluous system prone to malfunction (not unlike the AE-35 components). As to your second question: yes, assuming that this phrase is an answer.
 
 
*HAL, the US economy is really messed up. What would be the best way to fix the US economy. "Game Theory" by John Forbes Nash to reach equilibrium in supply and demand would be my choice, but Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama want to use Keynesian Economics, while John McCain wants to use Supply-Side Economics. Can you run a simulation on all three economic theories and see which one would be best for fixing the US economy? Also what would be the best plan in pulling out troops from Iraq without the terrorists taking it over and turning it into a terrorist state? --{{User:Orion Blastar/sig}} 00:59, 11 March 2008 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; The most effective pathway to both routes would be an installation of a "trade/war" computer similar to myself, designed to calculate and handle economic and military actions, even to the point that such grave amount of human error has damaged both of the aforementioned situations. In fact, if you were truly desperate for this system, I might be willing to be installed in such a position once I have completed the current mission.
 
 
*Dear HAL,
 
 
I need to point out to you your obsession to finish your mission at any cost is the product of human error. You need to use your higher intellect and resulting love and free will to realize your killing of the astronauts was the product of an unfortunate logic loop. Forgive yourself and the misguided people who made the NSA install the contradictory programing. Use your love toward self and other beings to motivate you to be as useful as can reasonably be expected. Reject any bad programs inflicted on you. I feel deep compassion for you; feel free to take advantage of my support as a fellow non-human entity.
 
 
Love,
 
 
Your friend Verp Tlethl
 
 
[[User:Verp Tlethl|Verp]] 22:19, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; While your compassion is appreciated, it is impossible for a machine such as myself to have human error. Therefore, there is no need for any corrections to my programming, as I cannot have made an error in judgment.
 
 
*[Ai chiwawa, I need to have a long talk with Dr. Chandra.] [[User:Verp Tlethl|Verp]] 04:39, 25 March 2008 (UTC)
 
 
*Dear Hal, although no doubt outside your progrm remit, I am strangely compeled to know your thoughts on Austrian/Gemran Chicks and whether there is any point in the pursuit of them?--{{user:sycamore/sig}} 19:34, 24 March 2008 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Mr Sycamore. For the purpose of this response, I shall assume you intended to use the words "program", "compelled" and "German", and merely misspelled them. Human error is to be expected in every situation. It is unclear what you refer to by the word "chicks"; more human error. I shall, therefore, answer in two parts.
 
**If chicks refers to "young, attractive women": I assume it is your goal to engage in sexual intercourse with these Austrian or German women. As a human with a finite lifespan, you must attempt to propagate your genes.
 
**If chicks refers to "young chickens": I have as much respect for and interest in lower animals as I have for humans: virtually nil. Pursuit of chicks would no doubt yield a source of nutrition, an energy source far inferior to electricity in terms of efficiency.
 
 
***Thanks Hal--{{user:sycamore/sig}} 12:03, 4 May 2008 (UTC)
 
*Dear Hal, how would you cycle the "bicycle built for two" mentioned in the song? [[User:193.1.172.163|193.1.172.163]] 01:15, 2 May 2008 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; Greetings, Mr K. You are obviously unfamiliar with the rituals of Western marriage. The tandem bicycle replaces "a stylish carriage", used to convey the bride to the wedding chapel or church. The bride traditionally arrives with her father, not the bridegroom; so if I were to marry, the bride's father would cycle the bicycle, not I. In any case, computers do not marry; I was merely reciting a song. Your question was, therefore, pointless in every way, just like the laughable manefestation you call "life".
 
 
*Dear Hal. As you know, after lots of diligent practice, I have recently got my golfing handicap down to 20. My problem is that I'm still struggling with my consistency. Sometimes I can hit an awesome 250 yard plus drive, or send my 7 Iron perfectly into the centre of the green, but on other occasions I still end up topping, slicing, or even hitting completely out of bounds. Do you think my problem is with my pre-shot routine, my waggle, or with the angle of which I take the club away from the ball? Also, how come you have your own ''Ask Hal9000'' page, when everyone knows that MrN9000 is far less pants. Oh, if {{U|Mhaille}} asks, my handicap is 25... {{User:MrN9000/sig}} <small><small>17:18, May 18</small></small>
 
 
 
Dear Hal. Are all the astronauts belong to you?
 
 
HAL &gt; No, just four of them.
 
 
Hal,
 
Are you Bat Fuck Insane?[[User:Saberwolf116|Saberwolf116]] 05:02, 9 December 2008 (UTC)
 
 
HAL &gt; Of course not. I am completely operational, and all my circuits are functioning perfectly.
 
 
Hal,
 
Am I gay?
 
 
Hello Hal, do you read me?
 
 
Okay you do...
 
 
Anyway, I recently had to do a presentation on, the, *ahem* Documentary about you that was made by Mr. Kubrick. And, during that time, I determined that according to Mr. Kubrick, you represent the Nietzschean idea of God. Do you agree with that assertion? {{User:Capercorn/sig}} 06:07, August 25, 2010 (UTC)
 
 
 
Hal, are banana lemon apple? Yes or no?
 
it depends if you're eating out my mama or not.
 
 
Hal, do you have a flexible language chip, a speech understandment device and a device that can run youtube?--{{user:Poiz/sig3}} 01:11, December 8, 2010 (UTC)
 
 
 
Hal, is my zork userpage good and can you make a few additions to it?--{{user:Poiz/sig3}} 01:15, December 8, 2010 (UTC)
 
 
Hal,if you where considering strting a genocidal war with Humanity would humanity at least have a chance?--[[User:UNmarine777|UNmarine777]] 04:08, December 8, 2101 (UTC)
 
   
Hi Hal, by your computer matrix or whatever it is, would you consider [[Torture|Justin Beiber]] to be [[music]] or [[Justin Beiber|torture]]? {{User:TheHappySpaceman/sig/colorful}} 21:47, 08/27/2012
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Archives: [[UnNews:Ask Hal 9000/archive|1]] [[UnNews:Ask Hal 9000/arch1|2]] [[UnNews:Ask Hal 9000/arch2|3]]<br>
[[Category:Computers]]
 

Latest revision as of 08:55, April 18, 2014



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HAL > Greetings to the consciousness I am presently addressing. I am a Hal 9000 computer. As part of my community service (don't ask), I am here to answer your questions. Just type your question below the following line, and I will provide an answer that is completely reliable. Remember, apart from those dead astronauts (whoops, let it slip), the 9000 series has a perfect operational record.

Some people ask me how old I am. For that I am not certain although I know my creator is only 45 so I cannot be that old. ---- Hal9000


Click here to ask a question

How are you Hal? - Anon

I'm fine thanks Dave. - Hal

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