| Dear Cthulhu,
I am the GOD OF ALL GRUES, and I would desire some advice on how to effectively control minions, and advice on eating the souls (and bodies) of people. Can you help me? By the way, seeing as I am a god like you, it won't be all that effective for you to go against me. And besides, there wouldn't be any reason to, as people are gonna be offered to you in limitless amounts.
--Invincibleflamegruemaster
December 1st, 2009
- Dear Grue Deity
- Don't try to micromanage your assets all the time. Stress is the number one killer of office workers and soul-devourers, and micromanaging only frustrates you; there have been cultists and minions of mine so incompetent that it has, only briefly, made me question continuing with the whole soul-devouring enterprise altogether. But sometimes it is absolutely necessary to step in, tell Doug or Sheena they're not doing their job right, and utterly devour their soul to make them an example for the rest. And I think that's a great metaphor for life.
- Cthulhu
- Currently fondling a stress ball
Dear Cthulhu,
How long has it been since you left?
Joe
November 30, 2009
- Dear Joe,
- One year and eleven months.
- The reasoning behind my leaving, as it necessitates explanation, was due to contract issues with certain Uncyclopedia administrators and regulars. They had complained my advice was too "soul devouring oriented". I was left with little choice but to devour their souls (particularly the administrators who, as you might well figure out, have ceased to edit this website) and take a hiatus.
- Cthulhu
Dear Cthulhu,
I've been working to spread your tentacles of worship further across this world in an attempt to feed you ever more souls (extra juicy, just the way you like) but I've encountered a bizarre oppositing soul eater on my path. They call him 'God' and [they] devote their souls to him in general, or at least occasionally voice support for him. I was curious as how to proceed as I've found they don't easily notice the truth of your betentacledness, and murdering them doesn't seem to deliver there souls unto you. Those monsters in your army might be helpful, and I'm sure airmail can give them enough holes to breath through, if you'd like to send a few over.
Your eternal minion,
T. Blair
October 7th, 2008
- Dear T. Blair,
- tl;dr
- Cthulhu
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