UnNews:Ask Cthulhu

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Devouring With Flavor & Dying Relatives
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Ask Cthulhu is an advice column written by the Elder Spawn Cthulhu, most reviled of the Old Ones, Keeper of Madness, whose coming signifies the end of days. He gives advice on Sundays.
Dearest Cthulu,

I have recently consumed the souls of the local vicar, church warden, headmistress, publican and assorted notables that reside hereabouts. My question is this. What condiments would you recommend to accompany this delicious repast. I have tried salt, pepper, paprika and more recently a blackcurrant jus. However none of them really do justice to these delights and I fear my pallet is becoming somewhat jaded. What would you suggest?

Your obedient minion

J Ripper December 7th, 2009

Dear J. Ripper
Place a couple of glugs of extra virgin oil in a large pan over a medium flame, dice a couple of plump Chileans and add them to the oil. Meanwhile travel to Germany and find several large hairy Frankfurters, shred the meat from the bone (ignoring the screams) and place in the pan. Cook for ten minutes to let all the flavours out and then serve over your most recently acquired soul.
Incidentally if you wish I will show you how I produce the extra virgin oil. if you apply to my P.A. Ms J Proops at 3rd floor, Pacific towers, R'lyeh she will organise a demonstration of the pressing equipment although the sight, sounds and smells of its genocidal, murderous force will doubtless render you even more insane than you already are.
Cordial Regards,

Cthulhu




Dear Cthulhu,

I, as the present spokesman of the Uncyclopedia Legal Department on this matter, express my sincerest congratulations on your return, insofar as it complies with the paragraph 17, sub-paragraph 3 on Soul Eating Practices. We hope you will continue to illuminate our days from now on. Life - and especially earning money for empty phrases - has been far simpler after you ate your souls a few years ago!

Yours, sincerely to a reasonable extent, One of the Legal Advisors

-- Style Oranssiviiva Guide December 2, 2009

Dear ML
Thank you for your generic and insincere congratulatory message. You are far much more insincere than your predecessor at the legal department, a narcissistic Uncyclopedian who prided herself on being the prettiest pretty. I'd devour your soul, but I now know that nobody in the legal department possesses such. Ergo, I'll be devouring one of your family members' soul unless you paint me a large portrait of the time I devoured Johnny Carson's soul.
Deepest sympathies,
Cthulhu




Dear Cthulhu,

I am the GOD OF ALL GRUES, and I would desire some advice on how to effectively control minions, and advice on eating the souls (and bodies) of people. Can you help me? By the way, seeing as I am a god like you, it won't be all that effective for you to go against me. And besides, there wouldn't be any reason to, as people are gonna be offered to you in limitless amounts.

--Invincibleflamegruemaster
December 1st, 2009

Dear Grue Deity
Don't try to micromanage your assets all the time. Stress is the number one killer of office workers and soul-devourers, and micromanaging only frustrates you; there have been cultists and minions of mine so incompetent that it has, only briefly, made me question continuing with the whole soul-devouring enterprise altogether. But sometimes it is absolutely necessary to step in, tell Doug or Sheena they're not doing their job right, and utterly devour their soul to make them an example for the rest. And I think that's a great metaphor for life.
Cthulhu
Currently fondling a stress ball




Dearest Your Gracious Viciousness,

Something is wrong with me. I am a long time supporter of your deeds and an active practitioner in my local Cthulhu Cult. For some reason though, I am no longer enjoying feasting off the flesh of the pitiful humans. I went to the doctor and he told me I had this disease called "conschense". I ate the doctor, but it didn't make me feel any better. Help me! What can I do?

Your ever loyal, card-carrying Cult Member,

Hugh ManEether

To You, Hugh:
This disease you're referring to is a ploy by medical practitioners to suck the money out of your wallet and from your insurance company. Malpractice fraud is becomingly increasingly common, but you can report it to your insurance company. I would also recommend seeking a second opinion from a different doctor.
Cthulhu




Dear Cthulhu

I am also looking for a good recipes for souls but mine are of a different, more innocent nature. I try to eat children's souls as much as possible but I have begun to tire of their wasteful screams for help. I especially would like to EAT YOUR SOUL GIVE ME YOUR SOULS FOR EVERY SOUL YOU DEVOUR I MUST HAVE YOURS MORE! or at least send me a gift to a fake address fake house number on fake street road thanx! :)

Dear Illiterate, Anonymous Writer
tl;dr
Cthulhu
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