| Dread Thulium's,
In a previous column, you mentioned your need for a treadmill that works underwater. Just try one of the ocean currents; I would recommend the Gulf Stream as it's comfortably warm, and passes remarkably close to large concentrations of souls, which would be an added bonus. The only problem is that you may permanently deplete this plane of consumable souls, but that's only part of the fun, isn't it?
Have fun exercising!
165.21.15X.XX, 30 December 2007
Dear Numeric Sequence:
- Much as I appreciate your interest in my good health and am looking forward to consuming your soul (which was clever enough to think outside your usual human bounds), you are forgetting that the ocean currents themselves are the direct result of my actions. You see, psychic emanations do not flow directly back and forth like a telephone signal when the motivating mind (mine) is dreaming in a state of suspended animation. Rather, they flow about in swirling currents that have a subtle but profound influence on the physical matter around them.
- Your scientists have developed a laughable theory known as the Coriolis Effect that attempts to explain the air and water currents of this planet as a consequence of the Earth's rotation. I suppose it's just as well, since the few scientists who come close to the truth have a funny habit of going insane and getting eaten by my minions.
Cthulhu,
- Bought a Bowflex instead
Hey, Cthulhu!
What are your New Year's resolutions going to be? Do you have any advice on making a good resolution and keeping it?
Sincerely,
Frank A. Knarf
Frank:
- First off, who the hell gave you that name? I hope it wasn't your parents, because that would make you the offspring of some truly weird people. Like, seriously, even I don't give the lowliest of my minions names like that. Change yours to "Ted" or something along those lines.
- Okay, on to your question: I was going to resolve to breed my shoggoth legions to twice their current numbers, but then I remembered that this year the orientation of the stars means my cousins will be staying here at R'lyeh for the next six months, so I won't have the time or the space for any of that. My advice to you is to resolve to be more vigilant in promoting my worship; I recommend incorporating more nude virgins into the arcane rituals, as this tends to draw in lots of people.
Cthulhu,
- Will resolve to come up with a better resolution for himself next year
Hello there, Cthulhu!
My Aunt Cathy and I have some questions:
- What do you think of sitars?
- Will I be a stuck-up, selfish, millionare bimbo?
- If yes, when?
- Do I make you horny?
- What do sitars taste like?
- Am I female?
- Were Lennon and McCartney lovers?
- Why are the 3D glasses for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Black Dossier Dame Edna glasses?
- Does saying 'oink!' make you seem more intelligent?
- Or interesting?
- Why did Paul McCartney grow a big, fat, ugly beard?
- Is Mary Poppins sexy?
- Do Beavis and Butthead seem rather intelligent, smart, clever etc.?
- What do you mean, no?
- Last one... What are Blue Meanies doing in my bedroom?
Yours sincerely,
--Rolando8 09:20, 2 February 2008 (UTC)
Dear Rolando8,
- Thank you for your email. It was so patheticly uninteresting that I arose in furious anger among my slaves, crushing them with my infinite horror while I rolled in their blood and pain. You should be honored: it is rare that I am stirred to such intense displays of emotion, and I revel in them.
- In return I give you a gift, a gift that you will cherish throughout your miserable eternity, one that I rarely give to low mortals such as yourself: the gift of time.
- 15 seconds after you finish reading this sentence, my shoggoths will be upon you. There is no sense in resisting. You will come.
See you soon,
Cthulhu
Hey, Whatever the fuck you pronounce yourself!
Do people ever cease to think that you are funny but not really stupid? If you are funny, give me a few examples. If you are trying to be funny, but you are actually stupid, explain why you are on the Uncyclopedia and are answering these e-mails. Answer in terms of "".
- Asshole Hassole
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