UnNews:Asian Loners Take Legal Action Against Media
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Asian Loners Take Legal Action Against Media
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 12:04 (UTC)
20 April 2007
Four days after the tragic incident on VT campus, the NAACP has filed a class-action lawsuit against the media, claiming that major news outlets have violated the right of privacy of thousands of Asian loners and disregarded the function of media to maintain the mental health of people across the country. This is evidenced by the lurid coverage of the recent school-shooting tragedy, where the shooter was described as a loner of Korean descent, a tragedy which the lawsuit alleges should have garnered little to no press coverage. On the same day, a federal judge denied the news conglomerates' motions to dismiss the case under the First Amendment, allowing the lawsuit to proceed.
The lawsuit was brought forth by the NAACP on behalf of Asian loners across the globe, with the concern as to whether or not American journalism is up to the task of providing quality news and information to the millions of Americans who turn on the six o'clock news each evening where they obtain their thoughts and opinions. The suit was ‘baseless', states Fox Spokeswoman Irina Briganti in a recent press conference, and disputes that ‘Fox News Channel has but one obligation: to provide its viewers with practical and factually accurate news... and if they don’t like it, they should just go back where they came from.' But many Asian loners disagree, and are threatening to flee north into Canada before the white demons, whipped into a fury by the reckless and irresponsible media, descend upon Chinatown and massacre all feral narrow-eyed midgets.
One plaintiff said on conditions of anonymity, ‘Although I feel deep regret for the recent shooting incident and subsequent loss of lives, it has become clear that our major news sources are unable to curtail sensationalism, even when it libels Asian loners and causes undue psychological trauma to people nationwide. This tragedy should never grant the media the power to put forth disturbing images such as the pervasive portrayal of the school-shooter brandishing a pistol at an unsuspecting public; on television, newspaper, and on my Yahoo homepage.’
Among the many demands for reparation sought for by the litigation is monetary compensation, a cease and desist court order to put an immediate end to the merciless dissection of the details of school-shooter Cho Seung-Hui’s life and deeds, the resurrection of Bruce Lee, a concerted media blitzkrieg to restore the image of the quiet Asian available for everybody's academic dishonesty's needs (and, failing that, induced amnesia of all past week occurrences inflicted upon the entire populace), and, finally, a complete overhaul of existing news media in preparation for the institution of Uncyclopedia UnNews as the new source of news and posh entertainment worldwide.
If you are an Asian loner of school age residing in white demon territory, you are eligible to take part in a class action lawsuit where you will be granted full anonymity. Please contact your NAACP representative for more information.