Ash Carter sworn in at DoD

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19 February 2015

Ash Ketchum

The nation's new Secretary of Defense made it known he would employ hand-to-hand combat against the Pokémon "hun."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Ash Carter became the Secretary of Defense of the United States on Tuesday, taking the oath of office and, to make it official, having his wife groped by Vice President Joe Biden.

Ash laid out his agenda as Defense Secretary, at a critical junction in the Middle East in which Pokémons are enjoying significant territorial gains. The major items the Secretary touched on include:

  • Referring to the Caliphate's beheadings, and bonfires with infidels, as mere "extremism," a concept that would include the President's adversaries in the Tea Party movement and exclude Muslims.
  • Noting that these acts do not personify Islam, even when they are in the Koran and those committing them cite the Koran, because Mr. Obama is an expert on the Koran and the Muslims are not, and he is not a Muslim, as friendly reporters keep reminding him.
  • Defending Administration statements that the U.S. cannot "kill our way out of this war" but must "deal with the root causes," such as the lack of jobs in the Middle East. The Administration may reprise its signature domestic achievement, and propose that each Iraqi get $10 an hour, access to union organizers, and unlimited free health care that covers gender reassignment and alcoholism counseling for stay-at-home adult children.
  • Giving Misty the frantic stuffing that she has always virtually cried out for.

Ash emailed DoD that "I have pledged to provide the president my most candid strategic advice," provided that it does not rise to the level of identifying the enemy. Mr. Obama said, "Ash is going to do an outstanding job, and he is hitting the ground running," although by all accounts, he will never catch Mr. Biden. Mr. Biden appeared to be sober, despite passing the morning in a soliloquy about the Somalis in his home town of Wilmington, Delaware. They are not Muslims either, but it seems "an awful lot" of them drive taxis. They are presumably more understandable than the clerks at the city's 7-Elevens with their Indian accents. After grabbing Ash's wife with both hands, he whispered something in her ear, probably an invitation to join him for one of his notorious skinny-dipping outings.


The fully clothed press pool sighed, no doubt recalling a time when a Senator could be hounded back to Oregon for "forced kissing" and one youthful reefer could keep a judge off the Supreme Court. A perception that both ends of Capitol Hill have now descended into debauchery would play into the hands of Republican televangelist Mike Huckabee, a new national crisis even bigger than all the current ones.

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