UnNews:Army-base shooting occurs without jihad
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
3 April 2014
FORT HOOD, Texas -- The shooter who killed three people here before taking his own life did not shout "Allahu Ackbar!" before opening fire, was not identified as a Muslim, did not say he acted to protect insurgents from American aggression, had not written Internet treatises on the need for jihad, and was not receiving gentle treatment to coax him back to civility in the months before his attack.
The shooter, whom the Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee identified as Ivan Lopez, wounded a dozen others at the Army base. The U.S. Military itself refused to disclose the shooter's name until family members, C.A.I.R., and the organized spokesmen of Islam could be notified privately, so that none of them would claim credit for the massacre.
Army Secretary Hugh McHugh said the soldier had no combat medals in his single four-month tour of duty in Iraq, "no signs of violence to himself or others," and "no involvement with any terrorist group." But McHugh said he was keeping an open mind and admitted there might still be a Muslim connection. McHugh said Latino groups such as La Raza are being contacted in case they would like to claim credit.
President Obama, however, brought reporters to the White House for what Republicans called an unseemly "victory lap." Obama said the shooting was yet another act of "workplace violence" which, like the shooting in 2009, had no connection to geo-politics, especially not to the President's strategy of idle bluff-work with random small wars, but only a troubled youngster, whom Obama's son might resemble, if Obama had a son, except that Lopez's skin might be darker, or maybe not. Obama said the shooting validated his strategy of reducing the size of the military and re-focusing it on Muslim outreach.
Lt. Gen. Mark Milley said Lopez walked into a building and began firing a .45-caliber. He then got into a car and kept firing. He was eventually confronted by military police. However, they are all unarmed and could only watch as Lopez put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger a final time. Because of the resulting impossibility of counseling, rehabilitation, and "closure," Milley said the MPs will be court-martialed.
McHugh said Lopez's suicide will be a "small setback" to the military's campaign to use quotas and premature promotions to ensure equal representation of nut-cases throughout the command structure.
- Will Weissert and Paul J. Weber "Army: Fort Hood gunman showed no previous violence". Associated Press, April 3, 2014