UnNews:Armed forces will allow attacks against White House and Congress during shutdown
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Armed forces will allow attacks against White House and Congress during shutdown
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 1, 2017, 18:04:UTC)(
1 October 2013
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In response to the U.S. government shutdown, the (currently volunteer) Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has announced that it will allow certain terrorists into the country who have stated that their targets are either the White House or Congress. "We have determined that these targets are non-essential to the functioning of our country and therefore, to save resources, we will not waste time attempting to protect them," said Thomas Winkowski, acting director of CBP.
Echoing this sentiment, Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said that the military will be expending its stretched capabilities protecting only the productive and worthwhile parts of America. He went on to say that includes pretty much everything except those two specific targets.
"Our CBP Officers and Border Patrol will extensively interrogate anyone coming to our country suspected of being potential terrorists," said Winkowski. "If we determine that they plan to strike the Capitol, White House, or any specific members of Congress, they will be granted a diplomatic visa."
He continued, "It would stretch available funds to try to distinguish a foreign attack against these buildings from the current attacks that each building is making against the other."
On his end, Dempsey says the Army will hold seminars on how to breach perimeter security at Congressional office buildings — for informational purposes only. However, this should be considerably easier now, given Capitol Police's shut-down policy of waving through, arming, and passing out maps to all visitors to these buildings.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|