UnNews:Area man performs newly learned chord for friends with chilling results
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
20 October 2008
EAST CANTON, OHIO UNN - What was supposed to be a stress free night with friends turned into an angst ridden few hours for several East Canton residents when one of the friends whipped out his guitar without warning and played the newest chord that he felt he had mastered.
Jason Milverton, age 20, an unemployed welder and the host of the evening, was identified by others in the group for ruining the evening with his string instrument.
In all, seven men and women witnessed the event.
"We were just sitting around at Jason's apartment chillin', enjoying each other when all of sudden I noticed his hand moving up and down," said D'Alcapone Hawkins. "Then I heard these strums, and I thought 'Oh, my God! He's playing with his guitar!'"
Milverton claims that he all he wanted to share with his friends his newly acquired "B" minor chord. "I've been working very hard with this and I just felt that the evening was ripe for sharing something other than a doobie."
However Jason Milverton's exhibition of his talent had a chilling effect on the evening.
"How do you tell a friend who is pouring out his heart and soul over guitar chord that he just sucked the life out of the room with his feeble talent?" asked Marla Simpkins, dreads Milverton's guitar playing. "He's so damn sincere about it, and you look at him and he is just struggling with that chord. It isn't like you can get up and walk away, like Tiffany did by pretending she had to go to the bathroom."
Hawkins was more direct in appraising the effect of Milverton's musical prowess: "His playing just makes me want to curl up in a ball and die."
"It was like someone turned on this spigot and the room was flooded with all these pent-up feelings of worthlessness. We all felt uncomfortable - like we were aware that child porn was being filmed in the room next door, or like baby seals were being clubbed somewhere in the world and we were unable to stop the insanity," related Grayson. "It was a very bad moment."
Dr. Martin Chesswhite, an attending Psychiatrist at Timken-Mercy Hospital in Canton said that for many, a guitar poses no real risk of danger. "As with anything, there are both appropriate and inappropriate moments in which one may, or may not, introduce a guitar for entertainment."
Chesswhite said that people are more open to a guitar when there is a "promise of talent providing entertainment. Say one was in the yard, working and the next door neighbor is Jose Feliciano, then the guitar could be welcome."
"However, for someone who uses their guitar as a hobby, or as an instrument through which they can 'get in touch' with their inner most feelings and then express those feelings, sharing that sort playing is very unwelcome. It borders on selfish, really."
For his part Milverton is unapologetic for his action. "It isn't like when Tiffany Fanning made us attend her daughter's tap dance recital, and used this guilt to get us to go. I was just thinking that, well my guitar means, I mean what I meant was, oh, never-mind."
After the event, the friends sought crisis counseling for themselves and agreed that Milverton meant no harm. One of those who was blindsided by the musical attack, Erika Evans, hasn't slept since the event.
"I keep hearing those same three chords over and over in my head. I can't sleep. Its haunts me, and not in a good way."
The group plans to get together on Saturday evening at a local bar, however Milverton will be checked to make sure he isn't concealing any musical instruments.