UnNews:Area Man Claims To Be The Most Elite Elitist Ever
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19 July 2008
Lansing, Michigan: An area man, who goes only by the name of "Skippy", claims that he has become the most elite of all elitists. "Everyone else just thinks, oh, I like a band that no one else has ever heard of," said Skippy this Friday. "And that makes me elite. But as soon as they try and quiz me about these bands, I'm aware of them. They defeat themselves, because I'll like it just to make them hate it. But then I have to hate it as well, because since there's another aware person, it's too mainstream. It's very complicated."
Skippy then proceeded to show us his massive record collection, which spans his entire house. "Most of these are demos by little local bands. No one else will have heard of them." Though most of the records were unrecognizable to any sensible person, he noticed one that was out of the ordinary. "Shit, other people know about this," he said, selecting an album by the still very underground band Liars. He then proceeded to throw it away.
"Unfortunately, most of these bands have at least a few people that aren't me aware of them, mostly, the people in the bands themselves. This is unacceptable. That's why I've had to make my own music and then refuse to share it." When asked to further elaborate on his music, he only offered up one selection. "It's basically me, and a wall. You wouldn't get it, but it's very emotional. And now I can't do that anymore, because you know about it, and there's a slight chance you might sorta like it." He refused to tell us about any other musical projects that he was working on, fearing that they would become known.
As his final comment, Skippy only said, "I hate people that pretend they like bands and really don't. I'm the only person, ever, who has a real appreciation for music. My taste is law... law that no one else can ever know about."