UnNews:Arctic sea located off the shores of the Canaries
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Arctic sea located off the shores of the Canaries
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, October 24, 2016, 10:45:UTC)(
18 September 2009
On Thursday the 16th of September 2009, a report from the Kremlin alleged that the Arctic sea had besieged the city of Las Palmas of the Grand Canary of the Canaries in Canaria.
The Arctic sea has a rough history for the last few years, allegedly going missing for the first time approximately six months ago after coming home from a short vacation in Jamaica. It was apparently hijacked in late may by men and women wearing eyepatches and waving sharp cutlasses around, although that has yet to be confirmed. However, several anonymous eyewitnesses are certain that they violated several health and safety regulations, and was, in fact, shipping missiles to Iran via Helsinki.
The Arctic sea was then spotted off the coast of France by a Dutch coffee shop owner, but the French coastguards refused to confirm his sightings, fearing for their lives and their sanity. It then moved further south and was sighted by coastguards in Dover and Portugal, but nobody believed them either.
However, this story took an unexpected twist after it supposedly attacked and violated several pirate impersonators off of the coast of Portugal. The victims were then sued for wasting police time and dismissed. During a brief interview with Unnews, they said it was "unbelievable and dishgusting and them dirty landlubbin' dohgs need to do therr job properly or not at all," and refused to withhold their badly impersonated pirate accents.
Things came to a head yesterday when the Arctic sea declared total war on Malta, its founder. The Arctic sea accused Malta of being a "political island", and Malta promptly replied, accusing the Arctic sea of being "too far in the deep end" and "cold towards its neighbors". The argument escalated into a downright brawl, after which the Arctic sea withdrew from battle to recover from the skirmish and plan his next attack.
Both the UN and the EU have both denounced the Arctic sea for its actions and the UN has introduced a trade embargo against the Arctic sea. The Arctic sea's neighbors have all denied knowing information on the Arctic sea's surprise attack against Malta, and have joined the UN on the trade embargo. However, some of the Arctic sea's allies have gone against these actions, labelling them racist and bizarre, as well as illiterate, claiming that the Arctic sea is not a sea, but is, in fact, an ocean. These allegations are yet to be confirmed by men wearing clean jackets. Current information sources bring the death toll to 3,865, including one Swiss woman. 3 people are also in a critical condition in hospital.
Further news may or may not be printed depending on whether the Arctic sea does anything interesting or not.
This Unnews report was brought to you by a Dishwasher and was based on a real news story which isn't nearly as funny.