UnNews:Arctic ice shelf splits after attack by Liberal hippies
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Arctic ice shelf splits after attack by Liberal hippies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 2, 2016, 01:59:UTC)(
29 December 2006
Ellesmere Island, NWT (CP) - It has been recently discovered that Liberal, tree hugging, bleeding heart socialist, hippies have launched an attack on an Arctic ice shelf in order to propagate the myth of global warming. The attack, which is alleged to have involved nuclear weapons, took place on August 11th, 2005 was not discovered until earlier this week by researchers from Quebec and Alaska. The Ward ice shelf which is over 3,000 years old has shattered into two large pieces and now poses a threat to shipping routes in the Bering Sea.
American President George W. Bush and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper had this to say in a joint press conference in Ottawa."We will hunt down and capture those responsible for this terrible attrocity through any means necessary" Bush was quoted as saying. Harper chimed in "We know that British Columbia has been harbouring environmentalists for years, we ask the BC government to surrender the terrorists or prepare to face the consequences". Bush had this to say to the BC government "You are either with us or you are with the environmentalists". Harper added that both he and President Bush are committed to protecting the environment and Bush says his willingness to nuke any country that harms the environment is proof of this committment.
A joint investigation by both the RCMP and FBI has turned up many suspects on both sides of the border. The attack is believed to have been orchestrated by the Green Party of Canada and Green Peace with the assistance of many prominent individuals. Suspects charged in the attacks include propaganda film maker, Michael Moore, liberal hippie Ralph Nader, ex-presidential candidate and propaganda film maker Al Gore, communist author Noam Chomsky, and Captain Planet. Canadians charged include the leader of the Canadian Socialist Party, Jack Layton, Green Party Leader Elizabeth May, and environmental nutjob David Suzuki. It is not known where these eco-terrorists received the nuclear weapons required to carry out this attack but Bush was quick to point the finger at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It is expected that Tehran will be nuked sometime early in the new year.
Most of the suspects are still at large but both Bush and Harper have declared martial law and once the suspects are apprehended they will face a secret military tribunal and will be held at either Guantanemo Bay or at Abu Gharab. Amnesty International condemned the attack on the ice shelf but urged Canadian and American authorities to humanly treat any suspects it detains. Bush and Harper both responded that these enemy combatants don't wear a uniform or fight in a conventional war so they are not entitled to the human rights guaranteed to them under the Geneva Convention. Bush said he will use anything up to and including torture to protect the American people. "8/11 has changed our world and we can no longer live in the past. Sure human rights are nice but why should we give human rights to those who shouldn't even be considered human. If torturing these tree hugging hippies will prevent future attacks, then we will do it." Bush says that human rights groups who criticise his treatment of prisoners are living in a pre 8/11 world.
Oscar Wilde had no comment on the situation except to say he prefers cubed ice to crushed when having tea.