UnNews:Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive; WWI A Mistake
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Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive; WWI A Mistake
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 25, 2016, 17:52:UTC)(
20 May 2007
Archduke Franz Ferdinand was found alive today. Ferdinand's alleged assassination seemed to be the start of WWI, but now that he was found alive, everyone feels a bit stupid. Ferdinand was the next in line to the Austrian-Hungarian-Barcelonian-Czech-Australian throne, but when Austria-Hungary-Barcelona-Czech-Australian Republic heard of his untimely demise, they declared war on the world.
"I never thought that by getting lost in New Jersey for 93 years would cause a world war", Ferdinand says in a private interview with US Weakly. Apparently, the now 144 year old man has survived by massive bodily mutations produced by chemicals and radiation in the Earth, Wind, and Fire in New Jersey, The Garden State.
The WWI Administration Network Committee has declared a formal statement on the subject. "We at WANC have discussed the matter in great detail, and have decided to declare WWI a complete mistake and have it removed from the history books." From this day on, WWI will be forgotten completely and WWII will be downgraded to WWI.
This change from WWII to WWI will have vast repercussions, however. WWII vet will now be declared WWI vets, and will be cut off of all WWII veteran amenities such as bumper stickers and early dinners at the local buffet, and will instead be given a commemorative designer watch.
Franz Ferdinand has make a public statement on his views of the subject, saying that "I never wanted any of this to happen, but it really wasn't my fault, you see. Those guys at the Austria-Hungary-Barcelona-Czech-Australian Republic had their head shoved so far up their asses that they couldn't see what was happening around them, you see. GO NEW JERSEY DEVILS!!!"
Gavrilo Princip, the man who was believed to have killed the archduke was not available for an interview.
An impromptu coalition of attorneys led by Presidential candidate US Senator John Edwards said they intend to bring a class action lawsuit against Ferdinand and Princip on behalf of all those killed, wounded or diplaced during the war. "It will be quite a payday!" Edwards said.
- J.J. Thejetplane "[ US Weakly]". God Syndicate, May 20, 2007