UnNews:April 1st Computer Worm a Myth
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April 1st Computer Worm a Myth
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, December 9, 2016, 00:08:UTC)(
1 April 2009
TEH INTRAWEBZ --In recent months there have been rumors of a terrible "worm" program that's been infecting computers all over the world. Crowds across the globe have rioted in the streets and vandalized hundreds of buildings as a result of the mass hysteria caused by this terror. Microsoft even placed a $250,000,000,000,000 bounty on the head of whoever the hell started this mess.
Despite all of this, there is overwhelming evidence that the worm does not actually exist.
"I have no idea how these rumors started circulating," says Dr. Paul Montgomery of the Institute for the Discontinuation of Stupid Myths. "There's simply no evidence to support this claim of a deadly computer program."
The most overwhelming piece of evidence against this worm is the fact that today is April Fool's day, and it didn't activate yet.
"If there was any day for it to activate, it would be today," said Dr. Montgomery in an interview this morning. "Since it hasn't, there's no way to be sure if it is real."
Despite this, the cries of thousands of terror-filled victims can still be heard.
"When I first heard that my PC was infected, I didn't know what to do," a random guy explained. "I was like, 'Oh S***!!! What do I do?'" He went on to explain that he didn't know what action he should take next.
Despite the mass insanity, hysteria, suicides, and warnings of the apocalypse that have emerged as a result of these worm myths, there is hope. Oprah and Dr. Phil have begun sponsoring various therapist groups around the world to help relieve the suffering of countless victims.
And not everyone has been suffering. As rumors of the worm became more popular, Apple noticed a dramatic increase in sales of their Mac computers. Supposed victims of the worm have been flocking to their nearest Apple retail stores and lining up in front of the doors every morning, eager to buy a computer with virus protection that actually works.
In any case, we can all only hope that the hysterical mobs filling city streets realize their mistake before they cause more damage. There is legislation in multiple countries to increase public awareness of fake computer worms, and many schools have added the subject to their required curriculum, stating that "It's just as important as sex education." So if your computer gets taken over by a hostile bot today, remember: It's all in your head.
- Tracy "Beware Conficker worm come April 1". [[wikipedia:|]], March 25, 2009