UnNews:Apple Shuts Down Entire Research and Development Department
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Apple Shuts Down Entire Research and Development Department
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 09:54:UTC)(
31 May 2012
Apple shocked the world yesterday by laying off hundreds of workers and recalling thousands of unsold iPhones after announcing that they had developed a phone that will be “impossible to ever improve on.” Apple spokesman Simon McClaren released the following statement to the media from his eight bedroom penthouse suite in California.
“We are pleased to introduce our newest innovation in the field of mobile phone technology,” said McClaren. “We believe that the capabilities of this brilliant creation will make it unnecessary to ever make a better one.”
New features on the iPhone include comprehensive 5G coverage over six of the eight planets in the solar system, a nuclear battery core, and an available Kryptonite protective case – just in case Superman decides that your mobile phone really rustles his jimmies.
“We’re also announcing the launch of a completely revitalized AppStore which will sell applications compatible only with the new iPhone,” continued McClaren. “We believe that these features are what will really make this phone special.”
Some of the apps available are the Bodyguard App, which summons your choice of Hulk Hogan, Batman, or Milan Lucic to protect you from burglary or assault; the Wingman App, which automatically tells you exactly the right thing to say to get out of trouble with your girlfriend; and the Personal Chef App, which finally confirms exactly what you feel like eating before the waiter asks you.
“This is the last phone you’ll ever need to buy,” said McClaren. “Although the $2200 price tag may seem a little high, it’s worth it if you consider how much money you would waste on phones, buying one a year for the rest of your life.”
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|