UnNews:Apple "stunned" to find stats on reception and profit are crap
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Apple "stunned" to find stats on reception and profit are crap
We distort, you deride
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 12:41 (UTC)
3 July 2010
NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Apple, Inc. said on Friday that it was "stunned" to find that the iPhone had, since 2007, consistently given users crap information that their signals were strong. In a related development, Apple's assertions that it has turned a profit ever since the iPhone was released use the same algorithm, and might be equally bogus.
The blushing corporation said the flurry of recent reports that the signal strength of iPhones drops off when they are held in a certain way--called the "Death Grip"--is not a serious engineering problem but merely amusing, as the complaining users were conned into believing that the signal was good in the first place.
Apple said it will fix the formula for computing the number of bars, using a formula recommended by AT&T. The latter company's network has been blamed when iPhones perennially report that their connections are crappy. The company had no comment because its lawyers were wiping dripping saliva from their lips.
"As well as making the first three bars a bit taller, so they will be easier to see, even when they are hollow because you don't really have a good connection," Apple said in a statement, "we are also making the background a bit more pornographic so users won't be so preoccupied with the bars." The company maintains that the poor reception of the iPhone could be worse. "For example, both rocks and bananas pull in significantly worse signal than the iPhone," the statement said.
A perhaps more serious issue is that the same great minds who report to millions of users that signal reception is great have reported to thousands of investors that the corporate profit level and cash balance are great. "We are going to change that formula too," said the company's press release.
- Peter Svensson "Apple 'stunned' to find iPhones show too many bars". Associated Press, July 2, 2010