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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 05:59:UTC)(
22 December 2011
New York --
Roland Emmerich, director of one of the highest-grossing films of 2010, 2012 (highest-grossing as in most-disgusting), has stated that the world will, in fact, end. However, in a recent interview with God, God made it clear that he's too busy to end the world in 2012. "I'm going on a date," god explained. "It's going to be a long one, I'm gonna have to delay fucking this piece of shit up to 2013." International festivals are being held, celebrating the post-pone. A portray of Emmerich was hung on the wall of the Holocaust Memorial Museum, with the letters "L.I.A.R" spelled on his forehead, all in upper-case.
The general public had a lot of different opinions, however. "The end of the world is like, a huge event. Everyone's gonna be there, dude!" said Ricky Blah Cocain, a homeless teen. "Emmerich is full of shit, and people buy bullshit," stated Emmerich's best friend and regular fuckbuddy, Bill Clinton.
Statics have proved that rape cases have increased from 90% to 110% the past few weeks, the reason for this remains unknown. It was speculated that the main reason is that people don't want to "die a virgin," and losers can only lose their virginity by raping the first person they see, before 2012 arrives.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|